{"id":137,"date":"2008-08-28T17:52:00","date_gmt":"2008-08-29T01:52:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rayivey.com\/wordpress\/?p=137"},"modified":"2009-01-06T15:15:08","modified_gmt":"2009-01-06T23:15:08","slug":"mr-sandman-get-me-a-creepy-machine-to-help-me-sleep","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rayivey.com\/wordpress\/mr-sandman-get-me-a-creepy-machine-to-help-me-sleep\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"rss\"<\/a>\"instagram\"<\/a>

The Big Night!!\u00a0 Only Five to Seven Years Overdue!<\/strong>
\nLast night was my Sleep Study.<\/p>\n

It was such fun.\u00a0 I had to show up at the Midway Sleep Center at 10:00 p.m. with my “sleep clothes” and a lot of paperwork.\u00a0 My sleep technician (I’m not sure if she had an actual name) set me up in a perfectly comfortable room which looked like a nicely-appointed hotel room (but no television).\u00a0 She then proceeded to hook me up to about twenty-five sensors.\u00a0 I had them on my head (even in my hair, ick), face, and all over my body.\u00a0 I had a contraption strapped under my nose. \u00a0 I had a strap tightly wound around my chest.\u00a0 I had a pulse reader on my finger.\u00a0 All of this was connected to a board of wires that had to go with me if I left the bed to go to the (down the hall, thanks) bathroom.<\/p>\n

Hell, who couldn’t<\/em> drift easily and immediately off to sleep in such a setup?!<\/p>\n

At least none of this was a surprise.\u00a0 The big surprise was hearing that at some point in the night my S.T. might come into my room and put the actual CPAP mask on and make me sleep with the CPAP machine!<\/p>\n

Say What?<\/strong><\/p>\n

At this point it occurs to me that I should define two important terms.<\/p>\n

Sleep Apnea<\/em> is the repeated stopping of breathing when you sleep.\u00a0 It is caused by the airways in the nose and throat being obstructed.\u00a0 It is very common in older (hello), male (guilty) overweight (my hand is up!) individuals with low muscle tone (oh bite me). \u00a0 Apnea is very commonly undiagnosed and is very dangerous.\u00a0 It is bad for the heart, can make diabetes worse, increases your chances for a stroke or heart attack by three times, and can make it almost impossible to lose weight.<\/p>\n

Yep, did you hear that last one?\u00a0 Can make it almost impossible to lose weight.<\/em><\/p>\n

I knew going into the study that I likely had apnea.\u00a0 I’ve been sleepy for about ten years.\u00a0 I fight sleep at work.\u00a0 I fight sleep behind the wheel.\u00a0 I fight sleep during Scarlet Johansson movies — no, wait, everyone does that.<\/p>\n

A CPAP<\/em> machine (the initials stand for Continuous Positive Air Pressure) is a very common and successful way of treating sleep apnea.\u00a0 You basically are wearing a mask connected to a machine which pushes air up your nose to keep those air passages from collapsing.\u00a0 For years I feared this machine.\u00a0 I feared its psychological affect on my would be devastating.\u00a0 Only recently have I realized that not getting any sleep is much worse.
\nLet Me Introduce You to My Little Friend<\/strong><\/p>\n

Back to the mask.\u00a0 Before lights out, my Sleep Tech introduced me to it and had me try it.\u00a0 I was surprised by how horrible it wasn’t.\u00a0 The gentle flow of air felt cool and nice.\u00a0 ST told me that, after the initial hour or so of sleep, if I “qualified” (yes, that was the term she used), that she’d come in and mask me.<\/p>\n

Great.<\/p>\n

I had a hell of a time going to sleep.\u00a0 Maybe it was the fact that it was only 10:30 at night.\u00a0 Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I was in a strange faux hotel room in a medical building on Olympic Boulevard strapped up to about fifty electrodes knowing that my every sleep nuance was being monitored.<\/p>\n

At any rate, at one point in the night ST did come in and did strap the mask on me.\u00a0 Again, it was surprisingly okay.\u00a0 The gentle flow of air felt therapeutic.\u00a0 I drifted off to sleep easily.<\/p>\n

ST woke me at 4:45 a.m. to tell me that I was all done.<\/p>\n

The Bad News<\/strong><\/p>\n

Duh.\u00a0 I DO have sleep apnea.\u00a0 I have severe sleep apnea.\u00a0 I will probably have to sleep with the CPAP machine for the rest of my natural life.<\/p>\n

The Good News<\/strong><\/p>\n

The above bad news was no surprise.\u00a0 What really worried me was the mask.\u00a0 Could I tolerate it?\u00a0 Would it be as big a nightmare as when I was given a mouthpiece to wear from my dentist a few years ago?\u00a0 That little $750 experiment ended in utter failure.\u00a0 (YOU try to go to sleep with a huge piece of plastic in your mouth.)<\/p>\n

However, praise the angels, I took to the CPAP mask like a Halliburton executive to a no-bid government contract.\u00a0 Today, after only a few hours of real sleep, I feel better than I have in a long time.\u00a0 I’m actually looking forward to getting my very own Frankenstein sleeping machine, if it will allow me to rejoin the human race!<\/p>\n

Now, the only quesion is this: Now that I’ve had a brief taste of how life feels after real sleep, how, o how will I be able to stand the weeks-long wait until I have a CPAP machine of my very own?!?<\/p>\n

Average Rating: 4.7<\/span> out of 5<\/span> based on 250<\/span> user reviews.<\/span><\/div><\/p>

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