{"id":155,"date":"2008-10-07T08:49:38","date_gmt":"2008-10-07T16:49:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rayivey.com\/wordpress\/?p=155"},"modified":"2009-01-06T15:13:55","modified_gmt":"2009-01-06T23:13:55","slug":"please-dont-kill-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rayivey.com\/wordpress\/please-dont-kill-me\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"rss\"<\/a>\"instagram\"<\/a>

TO BE OPENED IN THE EVENT OF A COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF POST-BAILOUT WESTERN CIVILIZATION<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

To:\u00a0 My Beneficent New Agrarian Overlords<\/font><\/p>\n

From:\u00a0 Nobody important, just me<\/font><\/p>\n

Subject:\u00a0 Please don\u2019t line me up against the wall of a collapsed Washington Mutual branch and shoot me<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Dear Beloved Leaders, <\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Now that the financial crisis has completely ended the post WWII financial miracle of the First World and we are all once again living in a state of pre-Roman subsistence farming, I would like to make the case against<\/em> my likely execution.<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

I realize that as a complete creature of the formerly technological 21st Century, I am most likely seen as 1) utterly useless in the new farm economy and 2) a pointless drain on the precious resources of the people\u2019s collective.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve anxiously watched as the CEOs, politicians and judges were executed.\u00a0 Then I bit my nails and said nothing as the attorneys, investment bankers and internet moguls were liquidated.\u00a0 I tried not to show my alarm when the game show hosts, film executives and mimes were shot.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

And now I figure you are probably getting around to me.\u00a0 And people like me.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

And I understand, truly.\u00a0 I\u2019m useless with a plow.\u00a0 I\u2019m not good in the hot sun.\u00a0 I even lose my concentration while shelling peas.\u00a0 I can see why I\u2019m not seen as a valuable contributor to our glorious new society.<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

But I\u2019ve been thinking (don\u2019t hold it against me!) and I think I just may have come up with a few ideas of jobs I would be good for.\u00a0 Consider:<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

1)\u00a0 BARD.\u00a0 I have a very good memory about things like movies and video games.\u00a0 After a hard day\u2019s toiling in the fields the weary workers could sit around the fire in the evenings while I tell them about how cool World of Warcraft was, and how much fun it was to sit through The Devil Wears Prada.\u00a0 The farmers will thrill to my vivid recreations of 40-man raids to Molten Core, and the ladies will delight in my description of Meryl Streep\u2019s sculpted, molded coif and Italian shoes.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

2)\u00a0 SCARECROW.\u00a0 I know I don\u2019t look like I have the build for it, but I\u2019m sure I could be a good scarecrow.\u00a0 As long as you give me a wide-brimmed hat, a noisemaker and plenty of sunscreen (before it runs out, I mean), I could guard the precious crops against marauding birds all day.\u00a0 Really.<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

3)\u00a0 EDUCATIONAL TOOL.\u00a0 You could set me up in a little booth and school kids could come learn about me as a Negative Example.\u00a0 You know, a symbol of everything they don\u2019t want to grow up to become.\u00a0 Their young disgust at my sloth, physical weakness and intellectual vanity could really help scare them into becoming the productive little farmers of the future that we all need them to be.<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Those are just a few suggestions.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure I can come up with more.\u00a0 So could you please just consider keeping me around a little bit longer?\u00a0 I\u2019ll be quiet and stay out of everyone\u2019s way, I promise.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Thanks!<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Sincerely, <\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

Ray<\/font><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/font><\/p>\n

P.S. I swear it wasn\u2019t me who raided the last few existing boxes of Cap\u2019n Crunch.\u00a0 Really, really wasn\u2019t me.<\/font><\/p>\n

Average Rating: 5<\/span> out of 5<\/span> based on 202<\/span> user reviews.<\/span><\/div><\/p>

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