All posts by Ray Ivey

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Feel like picking your jaw up off of the floor?  Then check out this video of Arizona State Senator Sylvia Allen casually describing the Earth as being 6, 000 years old.  She says it twice:

 

There are so many things wrong with this I’m not sure where to start.

First of all, why didn’t the room erupt into cackles of laughter at this buffoon?

Second, why does she still have her job?  Is it perhaps (shudder) that her Arizona constituents agree with her?

This is a perfect example of how religion screws us up.  This woman is in a power position in public policy, and her positions are being informed through the filter of strict adherence to Bronze-Age myths about the age of the earth!

Why do we put up with such nonsense?  Imagine if a legislator casually referred to Thor, or Loki, or Shiva during a public policy speech.  They’d be laughed out of town.  It’s easy to forget that our Judeo-Christian myths are just as debunked and unreliable as all of the old myths we’ve already discarded.  They just still get a lot of play because our society demands respect for them.

Why?  Nonsense is nonsense.

Later, when commenting on the firestorm of controversy and public ridicule created by her idiotic statements, Allen blithely brushed them off.  “People have a right to believe anything they want to believe about the age of the Earth.”

Fair enough.  But beliefs aren’t facts.  What if she gave a speech referring to the “Stork Theory” of birth?  Do you think she’d get re-elected?  Well, thinking the world is 6, 000 years old is as untenable a “belief” as believing in The Stork.  Or the Tooth Fairy.

It’s time we started saying out loud what such beliefs are:  Irrational and dangerous. 

I fully believe in everyone’s right to religion.  But I also support people’s right to believe in Astrology, or Flat Earth theories, or Healing Touch Therapy.  But with everything but religion, we feel comfortable calling such nonsense what it is:  Nonsense.  Science disproves all of those silly beliefs, just as it disproves ridiculous Young Earth theories.

Yes, Sylvia, you have a right to believe in fairy tales about the Earth’s age.  But when you let them affect how you vote on public policy, we have the right to call you an incompetent, deluded fool.

Do what I did.  Send Sylvia a piece of your mind.  Here’s her email address:

sallen@azleg.gov

Let’s all stand up for rational thinking and an end to treating ancient superstition as if it’s actually fact!

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 156 user reviews.

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I had a physical a month ago. I’ve been losing weight and eating well, and so my doctor and I had every reason to believe my blood numbers would come back fine. The way it works with my doctor’s office is that you have to call to get your test results. You can’t be passive and wait for them to call you.

However, because of my stupid, reptilian fear of anything medical, I have not made the call. Not because I expect to get bad news, but just because of the possibility of getting bad news. It’s really dumb.

So after wasting a lot of worry for a month (a MONTH!) I finally put in the call this morning.

And I am now waiting for Dr. Weiner to call back. Which means the rest of the day, or at least that portion of the day between now and whenever he calls, is ruined. I’m in a funk that no grain of Xanax, no vigorous session of cardiovascular exercise, can penetrate. I just have to suck it up.

 

Utterly irrelevant photo that I took:

Campobello Island,  New Brunswick,  Canada
Campobello Island, New Brunswick, Canada

Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5 based on 294 user reviews.

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Mark Sanford caught in adultery after self-righteously calling for the resignation of other politicians caught with their pants down.

John Ensign ditto!

Sarah Palin resigns!

What a great world!

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 230 user reviews.

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Billy Zane, who was soooo not very good in Titanic, hiking Runyan Canyon with a bevy of young male friends. Good legs!

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 197 user reviews.

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One of the most disturbing things I notice about “the kids today” is the utter disinterest in anything that happened more than five minutes ago.

Displaying this depressing and alarming tendency was Meghan McCain on last week’s “Real Time With Bill Maher.”

Meghan McCain is more than just the adorable 25 year old daughter of John McCain; she’s a political activist! Just ask her!

She was there to discuss her efforts to bring about bipartisanship in American politics. An admiral goal. Go Meghan.

But then she opened her mouth. Oh dear.

TWICE during her ten-minute segment, she declared something to be irrelevant to her life because it happened before she was born.

She joined Bill and his other guests in discussing the recent history of partisan bickering that has (arguably) poisoned American politics.

She stated that she was sick of Obama blaming everything on Bush. CNN news analyst Paul Begala broke in, pointing out the inconvenient truth that Reagan blamed everything on Jimmy Carter.

Perky Meghan sniffed and retorted, “Well that happened before I was born, so I wouldn’t know.”

Begala looked at her incredulously and replied, “Well I wasn’t born during the French Revolution, but I know about that.”

To which McCain replied, “Oh yeah, you just know everything, don’t you?”

. . . thus supporting another destructive trend in American culture, scorn for education and knowledge.

Cindy McCain was born in 1984, a good decade after the Vietnam War. I wonder how her father feels about the idea that his suffering in a prison camp that war is irrelevant to his daughter.

If she and people like her are the future of the Republican Party, I don’t think we liberals have anything to worry about.


Average Rating: 4.6 out of 5 based on 206 user reviews.

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[London]

When push came to shove, it turned out that fading pop superstar Michael Jackson simply couldn’t stomach the idea of competing with Forbidden Broadway.

Jackson had been in rehearsals for a series of comeback concerts in and around London later this summer.

However, another entertainment juggernaut, the Tony-Award-Winning theatrical spoof Forbidden Broadway, is also about to open in London.

Sources close to Jackson’s paedophilia defense attorneys confirmed early Friday that the idea of competing with the the other show simply left him petrified.

“Thriller” may have sold 26 million copies, ” Jackson reportedly said, during a recent conversation he had while wearing a NASA space suit while playing on a seesaw, “But Forbidden Broadway has been running all over the world since 1981. You can’t deny its power.”

Evidently, during recent weeks, Jackson had been missing rehearsals, and would often be found underneath his kitchen table, rocking, and softly singing the lyrics to “Liza One-Note, ” Forbidden Broadway‘s famous parody of Jackson’s friend Liza Minelli.

“In the end, it was just too much for him, ” Jackson’s talent-free informercial diva sister La Toya confirmed to investigators. “Yesterday he said to me, ‘Have you SEEN Alessandrini’s version of Les Miserables?! I’m just one man! I shouldn’t have to go up against that!'”

As to whether the end came through actual suicide or simple collapse, that is for the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office and the seven TMZ paparazzi reporters assigned to the case to decide.

Forbidden Broadway‘s creator, Gerard Alessandrini, and the London production’s director, Phil George, could not be reached for comment.

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 227 user reviews.

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[New York]

Evidently there are some depths to which even Fox will not sink.

At a recent high-level programming meeting at the network, the following programs, all of which have been in development, were canceled.

Bricklaying With the Stars

Last Toddler Standing

So You Think You Can Masturbate

Boy Meets Goat

America’s Next Top Serial Rapist

America’s Got Botulism

American Midol

Who Wants To Marry a Death-Row Inmate?

Are You Smarter than an Evangelical Mississippi Housewife?

Congressional Bloopers and Practical Jokes

Organ Swap

Homo 911

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 194 user reviews.

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I have a question for all of my readers. Both of you!

I just bought one of those little blue tooth ear buds to use with my cell phone. I love it, but it’s so tiny I’m sure I’m going to lose it!

Does anyone have a clever and easy to use method of not losing this cunning little gadget?

Please leave your comments here!

And thanks!

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 201 user reviews.

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Pete Rodriguez was my high school band director.

In time since I’ve been in high school (and let’s face it, I graduated months and MONTHS ago), I’ve always had a moment of confusion when I hear peers talk about “band geeks” or “band queers.” Evidently it’s a tradition that people in high school band are looked down on by the general population.

Know what? That wasn’t true in my high school. At Bryan High School, the band was widely acknowledged for its excellence and the school was damn proud of it. Why? Well, the answer is, mostly: Pete Rodriguez.

Rodriguez (or “Mr. Rod” as he was universally known) had a quiet, no-nonsense demand for excellence which had a way of sneaking up on you and bringing out your best. He was also quirky, funny, smart, and talented.

Never having been an athlete (as hard as that is to believe by looking at me), my experiences in speech/drama and band were my “team” experiences in high school. And Pete Rodriquez was a wonderful coach. He had such confidence in his own abilities that he could afford to talk to you with respect, as if you were a peer. He knew that he could do this without any of us ever mistaking him as an equal — something that absure would have simply never occurred to any of us. However, the respect he gave us, individually and as a group, was quite empowering.

We won lots of awards under his leadership, and had plenty of adventures on the football field and on the road. Perhaps our finest hour together occurred, ironically, in his absence. In 1975 he underwent bypass surgery and missed a few months of work. Under the skilled temporary leadership of Linda Adams and inspired by our desire to “win it for Mr. Rod, ” our symphonic band went on to win “Sweepstakes, ” which was the highest honor possible under the Texas University Interscholastic League’s yearly competition.

Mr. Rod once made a prophetic statement. “You watch, ” he said. “You’ll see. As you get older you’ll find that a huge percentage of your good high school memories have to do with band.”

Of course, he was right.

I called his widow Mary today and told her I couldn’t imagine my high school experience without Pete Rodriguez. I was lucky to know him.

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 180 user reviews.

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THE YEAR’S 10 BEST

 

 

*The Color Purple

Kiss of the Spider Woman

Brazil

Out of Africa

Witness

The Purple Rose of Cairo

Prizzi’s Honor

Deperately Seeking Susan

Cocoon

Blood Simple

 

 

DIRECTOR

 

 

*Terry Gilliam, Brazil

Woody Allen, The Purple Rose of Cairo

Hector Babenco, Kiss of the Spider Woman

John Huston, Prizzi’s Honor

Sidney Pollock, Out of Africa

 

 

ACTOR

 

 

*William Hurt, Kiss of the Spider Woman

Raul Julia, Kiss of th Spider Woman

Danny Glover, The Color Purple

Jack Nicholson, Prizzi’s Honor

Jon Voight, Runaway Train

 

 

ACTRESS

 

 

Geraldine Page, The Trip to Bountiful

Vanessa Redgrave, Wetherby

Maryl Streep, Out of Africa

*Whoopie Goldberg, The Color Purple

Jessica Lange, Sweet Dreams

 

 

SUPPORTING ACTOR

 

 

Crispin Glover, Back to the Future

Klaus Maria Brandauer, Out of Africa

Charles Dance, Plenty

William Hickey, Prizzi’s Honor

Don Ameche / Wilford Brimley / Brian Dennehy, Cocoon

John Gielgud, Plenty

 

 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

 

 

Laraine Newman, Perfect

Judith Ivey, Compromising Positions

Tracy Ullman, Plenty

Carlin Glynn, The Trip to Bountiful

*Oprah Winfrey, The Color Purple

 

 

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

 

 

Witness

*The Purple Rose of Cairo

Brazil

Cocoon

Blood Simple

 

 

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

 

 

Compromising Positions

Prizzi’s Honor

The Color Purple

*Kiss of the Spider Woman

Out of Africa

 

 

SNOB DEPT.: THE WORST MOVIES I DIDN’T’ SEE

 

 

Revolution

Target

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Agnes of God

Jewel of the Nile

Secret Admirer

Remo Williams

Mischief

Enemy Mine

Marie

Maxie

The Mean Seaon

Santa Claus: The Movie

One Magic Christmas

Songwriter

My Science Project

Alamo Bay

Bring on the Night

Return to Oz

Godzilla 1985

The Bride

The Man With One Red Shoe

Brewster’s Millions

Red Sonja

Death Wish III

Subway

Spies Like Us

Fever Pitch

Teen Wolf

 

 

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER DEPT.:

THE WORST MOVIES I DID SEE

 

 

American Flyers

Lifeforce

Rambo: First Blood II

Baby

King David

St. Elmo’s Fire

Silverado

Volunteers

 

 

MOVIES THAT WERE SURPRISINGLY FUN

 

 

Commando

Compromising Positions

Desperately Seekign Susan

Dawn of the Dead

Return of the Living Dead

A Chorus Line

Into the Night

Day of the Dead

Return of the Living Dead

Cat’s Eye

The Company of Wolves

Pumping Iron II: The Women

Year of the Dragon

Young Sherlock Holmes

Jagged Edge

 

 

THE YEAR’S BEST LINES

 

 

Judith Ivey, in Compromising Positions, discussing a woman who was known to be photographed committing sex acts with certain vegetables:  “Well, if I ever meet her, I’ll remember notto try her cole slaw.”

 

 

The cigarette girl in Desperately Seeking Susan:  “Cigars?  Cigarettes?  Tofutti?”

 

 

Mia Farrow discussing her movie-character-become-flesh boyfriendin The Purple Rose of Cairo: “Sure, he’s fictional, but you can’t have everything.”

 

 

John Wood as the evil bishop in Ladyhawke:  “I believe in miracles.  It’s part of my job.”

 

 

Movie that Made Me Laugh the Loudest the Most Often

 

 

Compromising Positions

 

 

LOOK!  MY INTESTINES!  DEPT.:  BEST CHASE SCENE

 

 

To Live and Die in L.A.

 

 

THE BRITISH ARE YAWNING DEPT.:

NEW HORIZONS IN BORING PRETENTIONS ENGLISH CINEMA

 

 

Dance With a Stranger

A Private Function

The Return of the Soldier

Lily in Love

 

 

THREE REASONS TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE WESTERN FOREVER

 

 

Rustler’s Rhapsody

Silverado

Lust in the Dust

 

 

CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THEY’RE ON PBS DEPT.:

THE YEAR OF THE FABULOUS DOCUMENTARY

 

 

Shoah

George Stevens: A Filmmaker’s Journey

28 Up

Streetwise

Pumping Iron II: The Women

 

 

SHOULD HAVE CALLED GENERAL CASTING DEPT.:

CITATIONS FOR DUBIOUS MARRIAGES OF ACTORS AND ROLES

 

 

Richard Gere as King David

Ann-Margaret as a sexless spinster in The Return of the Soldier

Judd Nelson as a human being in St. Elmo’s Fire

Mickey Roarke as a middle-aged NYC cop in Year of the Dragon

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 184 user reviews.

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