Note to self:  When you get home, find some HBO executive willing to discuss the bizarre state of HBO/Cinemax in Asia.

They edit and censor movies!!  Uh, fellas, that’s the whole reason we have HBO, so we can have uncensored movies.  I guess not in China!

On HBO Asia, you will never hear the word “fuck.”  Ever.  I was watching Casino the other night, or what was left of it after the HBO Asia censors had finished with it, and it was pretty hilarious to see Sharon Stone bitterly screaming “Oh, freak you.  FREAK YOU!! FREAK YOU!!!”

But that’s not the most mysterious aspect of HBO Asia.  The real head-scratcher is the programming.  You think HBO and Cinemax can be lame in the US?  In China you get to see things like Corey Haim thrillers.  Did you even know there WERE Corey Haim thrillers?  And you get to see big stars in movies you have never, ever heard of.  Like Steve Martin and Liev Schreiber (the latter in drag, no less) in a deeply bewildering “comedy” called Mixed Nuts.  Or atrocities like Wilder Napalm, starring Debra Winger and Dennis Quaid.  What?  You mean you’d never heard of it either?

I can understand perhaps that the Chinese government, being the biggest dog in the Asian kennel, gets to censor movies shown here, even on cable.  But what’s with the movie selection?  Do the Chinese have a weird affection for bad films?  Do the American HBO executives think the Asian audience won’t know any better?

Verily, we need to get to the bottom of this.