A SELF-ESTEEM-CHALLENGING BEGINNING

I begin my Asian Odyssey by being scammed by the United Airlines Skycap guy. 

In my defense, it was 4:30 in the morning and I barely had a pulse, much less upper brain function. 

Here’s what happened.  After weighing my single bag for check-in, the Skycap came over and informed me my bag was 5 pounds overweight.  I wasn’t surprised.  (YOU try to pack for a three-week business trip without going over fifty pounds.)

Mr. Helpful Skycap took my passport, credit card and boarding pass and bounded away to get my $50 overweight fee paid.  Ten minutes later he returned.“I talked him out of the fee!”  His eyes shone with conspiratorial glee.  “All I had to do was tip him $20.”

Okay, okay, I know, all of my alarm signals should have gone off at that point.  Like I said, it was 4:30 in the morning, I wanted off the sidewalk and into the terminal, and I just didn’t have the strength to start off the staggeringly long travel day with a showdown with this guy.  Remember, he’s the person in charge of getting my bag to Beijing.  I was afraid that getting into it with him would be the equivalent of harassing a waiter, only to have your soup spit in.  I didn’t want my overweight bag to end up in Yemen. 

I pulled out my walled and sourly gave him $15.Of course, as I stood in the (football field length, even at 4:40 in the a.m.) security line, I had more and more time to think about it and get humiliated and angry.  I told my story to several UA personnel, and mostly what I got was a very annoying, “Well, you know those guys don’t work for the airline.”

Well, fuck you, United Airlines.  The Skycaps wear United Airlines jackets and they check you in for United Airlines flights.  They’re representing United Airlines, goddamnit.  Eat me.

After several employees managed to convince me that, being ripped off aside, my bag would most assuredly end up in Beijing, I was able to relax a bit and go from feeling anxious to merely stupid.Then I got my first laugh of the day as I had an early breakfast at “Ruby’s Cafe.”  Ruby’s is an ersatz classic 50s All-American coffee shop, with the exception that, like most airport eateries, you stood in a line and gave your order at the front register.

I sat down to await my $15 egg sandwich and noticed that my table, like all the others, had on its side, in a classic chrome metal clip, a bright red-and-white menu.  Just like diners of days gone by!  Hang on, I thought.  Why did I order up front.Curiously, I pulled out the large laminated rectangular menu, only to discover it wasn’t a menu at all!  It just LOOKED like a menu!  The cafe was actually using props.  Maybe it was the hour, but this struck me as uniquely hilarious.