Category Archives: Pronouncements

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This morning I was at the gym and as I huffed and puffed on the Front Lateral Pull machine, I noticed a handsome guy working hard on the Hip Abductor machine. That he was handsome was not unusual; this is Hollywood after all. No, what was notable about him was that he was missing his right arm completely, and his left hand was a metal prosthesis. An Iraqi War Vet? Perhaps.

As I watched him expertly manipulate the machine to adjust the weight for a series of sets, the same look of concentration on his face that everyone else at the gym had, without a trace of self-pity or self-consciousness, I could feel a lightbulb going off over my head. I had a moment of utter clarity, leading to the obvious question,

Why don’t I have a wide-screen high-definition television yet?

Seriously. I’m not a bad person. I work, pay taxes, give to charity. And yet I’ve had to play Bioshock, Oblivion, and dozens of other XBox 360 games on my plain old, 32 inch Sony Trinitron.

I’ve been trying to save the money for three years. So why? Why don’t I have a Samsung LN52A630 52″ LCD TV yet? Am I to face the prospect of having to play the new Prince of Persia, Dead Space, or, [shudder] Fable II without the visual glory of high-definition?

Why has the universe singled me out for this kind of suffering? I just looked at my birth certificate, and it doesn’t say the name “Job” anywhere on it.

I don’t know the answer. I just know that few people suffer as I suffer.

So the next time you see someone with a “disability, ” or some other kind of “disadvantage, ” remember my friend in the gym. Perhaps we can all. Learn. Something.

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 169 user reviews.

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Okay, I have a dilemma I need help with. Everyone knows I’m a stickler for proper grammar, pronunciation and spelling.  I understand it’s not the hot-button issue for many people that it is for me. 

However.  I am continually mystified at the fact that people don’t seem to CARE if they come off as ignorant loose-tooths when they write and spell and speak.  This I don’t get. If I mispronounce a word, I want you to correct me.  I don’t want to continue mispronouncing it.  I’ll thank you.  Really.  If I use a word incorrectly, I want to be shown the correct use of the word.  Really. 

So what happens when you work with people who talk, write and spell like moronic third-graders?  What am I supposed to do when I hear people say “pacific” when they mean “specific, ” or “ikscape” when they mean “escape” or “expresso” when they mean “espresso” or “sedementary” when they mean “sedentary” or “liberry” when they mean “library” or “I seen” instead of “I saw” or, for the love of sweet, tapdancing Jesus, “aks” instead of “ask”?  Really, what am I supposed to do? Do these people REALLY want to go around coming off as ignoramuses?  Do they want to make those mistakes in their next job interview?  Or use those words incorrectly on their next query letter or job application?  I just can’t imagine that they would. 

Once I was transcribing a tape in which the speaker kept saying “arthur” instead of “author.”  After an hour of this I pulled off my headphones and commented about it to the colleague next to me.  “Oh, she’s not saying it wrong, ” my bright companion said.  “That’s just how she says it.”  That’s just how she says it?  Well, isn’t the point of language, as Richard Feynmann famously said, communication?  What if I just decided that the way I said “LOOK OUT!!!” was “Broderbund!!”  That won’t do much to warn someone when a car is about to run them down, is it? 

I once heard a story from a teacher friend of mine who was calling roll the first day of class in a public school in Lake Dallas, Texas.  She came to the name “Shotsie.” “Shotsie?”  No answer. 

“Is Shotsie here?” After a moment came a sullen declaration from the background, “It’s pronounced Shah-teese.” 

But it’s not spelled Shah-teese.  If you wanted to name your baby Shahteese, give her that name.  What if I went around correcting people when they called me “Ray, ” with the indignant correction, “It’s pronounced ‘Beeblebrox’.”  That would be pretty stupid. The creepiest thing to me about this amazing American ignorance is the cheerful glee so many of these people seem to have about the fact that are making mistakes.  “Who cares?” seems to be the prevalent attitude. 

Well, I care.  The English language is one of our most precious bits of heritage.  I’m not saying language is immutable, but I do think that using the language correctly is worth working at.  Americans are the most gleefully uneducated people in all of the industrialized nations.  Because of our religion, many of us deeply distrust science.  Because of our ubiquitous disposable pop culture, many young people have absolutely no interest in anything that happened five minutes before they showed up.  And because of the internet, bad language skills are proliferating faster than failing banks. 

Can anyone advise me on what can be done about this dire situation? 

 

 

 

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 209 user reviews.

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“Alls” is not a word.  Please stop saying “Alls you have to do.”  Right now.

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 257 user reviews.

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Yeah you.  The couple sitting two tables over from me at the Silver Lake Acapulco restaurant I was trying to have an enjoyable dinner in last night.

For the first twenty minutes, I heard the shrieking of a baby.  I mean the kind of shrieking that didn’t indicate hunger, but distress.  Pain.  Sickness.  Repeats of “Blues Clues.”

Why don’t they take that poor baby out of here, I kept thinking.  Then I looked up and saw to my shock that the caterwauling wasn’t coming from an infant, but from your kid, a child who was at least two, probably three years old.

And he wasn’t in pain, or sick, or in distress.  He was simply sitting between his mother and father and they weren’t paying attention to him.  Yep, this screaming, animal-in-pain noise was simply his way of announcing he was bored.

The parents then began taking turns occupying him. Picking him up, walking him around the restaurant.  Whenever they did, he turned off the sound instantly and was suddenly the happiest kid in the room.  Then the second Mom or Dad put him down, more screaming.

Which means that you two lousy parents have taught this little wretch that he can manipulate you any time he wants by turning the volume up to eleven.  And he’s learned he can do it for any reason, whether important or utterly frivolous.

Mom, Dad, you think it’s annoying right now that you have to pick the kid up to stop the siren?  Wait until he’s a little older and begins to come up with other ways to get your attention when you’re ignoring him.

You are not only inconveniencing anyone unfortunate enough to come with a ZIP code of your family, but you are raising a future dysfunctional, ugly, narcissistic adult.

Like we don’t have enough of those already.

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 267 user reviews.

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What do all of the following humans have in common?

Morgan Freeman

Bill Cosby

Ruby Dee

Barak Obama

Michelle Obama

Maya Angelou

Lawrence Fishbourne

Give up?  Okay, I know it’s a tricky one.  Here’s the answer:

They are all American Black people who know how to prounounce the three-letter word that means “to inquire.”

No, I don’t for a minute think that most black folks in America are dyslexic.  I don’t think the majority of black people in America are ignorant.

So why, in the name of sweet tapdancing Jesus, do so few of them prounounce this tiny word correctly?

Since I have trouble believing that so many people cannot work out the phonics of the following three letters

a  s  k

then I have to open myself up the possibility that it’s a deliberate thing.  Is that what it is?  Is it a black thing?  Am I just too damn white to understand it?

Well if so, then it’s true, I cannot.  If it’s “a black thing, ”  meaning some kind of mark of racial pride, what an idiotic choice.  “Hey everyone!  Let’s show how great we are by misprouncing a three letter word!  That’ll show The Man!”  That’s about as dumb as whenever someone accuses Muslims of being violent, and then thousands of deeply offended Muslims respond by burning things down.

Why celebrate ignorance?  That to me seems as socially and spiritually bankrupt as the hip-hop culture, whose every facet is designed to glamorize prison life (that’s the reason for the baggy pants dangling to the floor . . . the first thing that happens in prison is that they take away your belt).

I fervently hope that when Barak Obama becomes our next President, people will not only listen to what he says, but listen to HOW he says it.  Maybe then, FINALLY, I won’t have to cringe every time I hear the word “aks.”

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 267 user reviews.

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1. Recognize.

This word is pronounced rek-ugh-nize.

This word is NOT pronounced rek-uh-nize. Pronounce it correctly, Sparky.

2. Espresso.

The word is pronounced exactly as it is spelled. Alas, too many people think it is spelled like this: Expresso.

It’s not.

There is no drink called expresso.

Pronounce it correctly or I will kill you.

This is particularly important if you work at Starbucks. Working at Starbucks and saying “expresso” is like being a veterinarian and not knowing how to say “cat” or “dog.”

Starbucks managers, please require your employees, I’m sorry, your baristas, to correctly pronounce the name of the most basic product you sell.

3. Anything that ends with “ing.”

I don’t know HOW this horribleness got started. Somewhere along the way in the last ten years, people have started to give a hard g sound to words ending in “ing.”

So they end up saying ridiculous things like king-guh.  Sing-guh.  Or, even worse, sing-guh-ing-guh.
Stop it. The “ng” combination makes ONE sound; it’s a combination sound. You know, that nasal thing. You know what I’m talking about. SO the “g” is already spoken for, thanks very much.  Pronouncing it is not only unnecessary, it’s wrong.
In order for the word to be pronounced king-guh, you’d really have to spell it with an extra g: “kingg.”

It’s not spelled that way. So stop saying-guh, I mean pronouncing-guh, it that way, right now.

Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5 based on 192 user reviews.

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No one is allowed to say “At the end of the day” anymore unless they mean it literally.  Starting right now.  I’ve had it with this tired catch-phrase.

If you find you’re lost without it, try bringing back the venerable old cliche it replaced:  “When all is said and done.”  I’ll temporarily allow free use of that old chestnut if it helps you get over the “end of the day” one.  Think of “When all is said and done” as methadone helping you get off the heroin of “at the end of the day.”

That is all.

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 229 user reviews.

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Okay, I need to settle this inane “Celebrities die in threes” thing once and for all.  Please pay attention.

Sigh.  It’s just so dopey I cannot believe I have to say the following out loud.  This is right up there with people who still say “bless you” when I sneeze (I actually don’t believe I’m at risk to losing my soul through my nose at those moments).

So.  Here goes.  All you have to do to make the “Dying in Threes” trick work is 1) keep counting until another celebrity dies and/or 2) be flexible with what you consider a “celebrity.”

These two discretionary powers make it possible to count celebrity deaths in combinations of ANY number.  Hell, I could declare that Celebrities Die in Seventeens!  And prove it just as well.

The reason is, there is no standard of time within which the celebrities must die.  Plus, there is no standard as to what constitutes a “celebrity.”  It’s completely subjective.

So just stop it!!!

Average Rating: 4.6 out of 5 based on 163 user reviews.

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The hungriest person gets to choose the restaurant.

Average Rating: 5 out of 5 based on 263 user reviews.

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Don’t pee when you have to.  Pee when you can.

Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5 based on 280 user reviews.

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