TO BE OPENED IN THE EVENT OF A COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF POST-BAILOUT WESTERN CIVILIZATION

To:  My Beneficent New Agrarian Overlords

From:  Nobody important, just me

Subject:  Please don’t line me up against the wall of a collapsed Washington Mutual branch and shoot me

Dear Beloved Leaders,

Now that the financial crisis has completely ended the post WWII financial miracle of the First World and we are all once again living in a state of pre-Roman subsistence farming, I would like to make the case against my likely execution.

I realize that as a complete creature of the formerly technological 21st Century, I am most likely seen as 1) utterly useless in the new farm economy and 2) a pointless drain on the precious resources of the people’s collective. 

I’ve anxiously watched as the CEOs, politicians and judges were executed.  Then I bit my nails and said nothing as the attorneys, investment bankers and internet moguls were liquidated.  I tried not to show my alarm when the game show hosts, film executives and mimes were shot. 

And now I figure you are probably getting around to me.  And people like me. 

And I understand, truly.  I’m useless with a plow.  I’m not good in the hot sun.  I even lose my concentration while shelling peas.  I can see why I’m not seen as a valuable contributor to our glorious new society.

But I’ve been thinking (don’t hold it against me!) and I think I just may have come up with a few ideas of jobs I would be good for.  Consider:

1)  BARD.  I have a very good memory about things like movies and video games.  After a hard day’s toiling in the fields the weary workers could sit around the fire in the evenings while I tell them about how cool World of Warcraft was, and how much fun it was to sit through The Devil Wears Prada.  The farmers will thrill to my vivid recreations of 40-man raids to Molten Core, and the ladies will delight in my description of Meryl Streep’s sculpted, molded coif and Italian shoes. 

2)  SCARECROW.  I know I don’t look like I have the build for it, but I’m sure I could be a good scarecrow.  As long as you give me a wide-brimmed hat, a noisemaker and plenty of sunscreen (before it runs out, I mean), I could guard the precious crops against marauding birds all day.  Really.

3)  EDUCATIONAL TOOL.  You could set me up in a little booth and school kids could come learn about me as a Negative Example.  You know, a symbol of everything they don’t want to grow up to become.  Their young disgust at my sloth, physical weakness and intellectual vanity could really help scare them into becoming the productive little farmers of the future that we all need them to be.

Those are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure I can come up with more.  So could you please just consider keeping me around a little bit longer?  I’ll be quiet and stay out of everyone’s way, I promise. 

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Ray

P.S. I swear it wasn’t me who raided the last few existing boxes of Cap’n Crunch.  Really, really wasn’t me.