March 14, 2011
Cleveland
Scary Soy Spread!
One quick word about what you can inspect in this diary: I plan on this being a self-indulgent stream of consciousness sort of thing. So I will talk about what’s happening on my trip and anything and everything else that’s on my mind. So I’ll talk about the books I’m reading. The movies I’m seeing. The games I’m playing. The cities I’m visiting. Current events. Politics. You name it. I’ll try to keep it lively. I really hope you’ll go on this journey with me. And please make any and all comments! I want to hear from you.
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Okay so here’s my question for the TSA: Why is something that’s considered unsafe to take with me on the airplane perfectly safe to stuff into my luggage?
As I made my way through the odious security checkpoint at LAX, they pulled a jar out of my backpack.
“You can’t take this on the plane with you.”
What was the scary, offending item? A jar of Carb Not Beanit Butter, which despite its atrocious name, is a product that has been a mainstay of my low carb regimen. It is a soybean switch-out for peanut butter that is so high in fiber that its net carbs is zero. And it also takes pretty darned good. I devour it at a rate of about a jar a week.
The jar being held in the imperious hand of the TSA drone was the only one I had with me. I have to special order this product and it would take days to get a replacement. “I really need that.”
“You cannot take this on the plane.”
I took a breath, feeling myself instinctively switching into Annoyed Customer Mode:
“Why not.”
“It’s a paste.”
“Yeah. It’s like peanut butter. Scary stuff.”
“You can’t take more than three ounces of any paste on the plane.”
Really?
“I need this.”
“Well, run back to the gate and see if it’s not too late to stuff it in your checked baggage.”
Which, believe it or not, is exactly what I did. It was too late to catch my luggage, but a somewhat exasperated yet still helpful manager type at the check-in counter wrapped the damn thing up in a bag and taped it inside a box. I was half expecting him to charge me for a third checked bag, but he didn’t. Score one for We Don’t Care, We Don’t Have to Airlines.
Of course I assumed I’d never see my beloved jar of soy nut butter again. But to my delighted surprise it was waiting for me at the luggage carrel, even ahead of my bags.
As my soybean-butter-inspired relief washed through me like a Double Gulp Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, I was struck by the question above. If three ounces of a foodstuff that happens to be filed under the category “paste” is verboten in the passenger section plane, why would they agree to take it anywhere on the plane? If it’s suspicious in the one place, why isn’t it suspicious in the other?
I realize there’s a legitimate distinction between, say, a sharp object like a box cutter or a machete that might be considered peachy keen packed away in a check bag but highly hazardous on the plane itself, but a paste? How would I commandeer the cockpit of the plane with peanut butter? “Stop! Or I’ll spread‼”
It follows that the reason they didn’t want it on the plane was that somewhere there exists some type of explosive that, presumably, looks a lot like peanut butter. As giggly as this sounds to a like me, who’s mind is blissfully unpolluted by any real knowledge of terrorism, if this is true then I don’t want something so suspect anywhere on the plane. Right?
The conclusion I reached was that this was just another indication of the meaninglessness of the “enhanced” security measures that we allow ourselves to be tortured with in this post-911 world. Yeah, it’s just bureaucratic security fussiness. They forbid peanut butter not because it could hide real threats but because they can and if I don’t like it I can just shut my hole. The TSA doesn’t make our travel safer, but it DOES manage to create some more job opportunities for government contractors who get paid to inconvenience us. Our tax dollars at work. Whoop.
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Very good news today. The client confirmed my travel to Brussels, Munich and Moscow. Moscow, holy shit!
The only challenge will be the fact that I have to front the money for all of the flights, yikes. This will take some careful planning.
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Lifted weights after work. Well, I lifted weights a little bit. It’s been a year since I’ve done that so I took it easy. It felt good to start.
Separate Bags Taken on Trip
- Large suitcase (checked)
- Large garment bag (checked)
- C-PAP bag
- Laptop case
- Very full backpack
You’ll overtax your brain trying to make sense of the TSA gestapo tactics. Mean nasty ones in Denver confiscated an expensive face product of mine (and called over the intimidating supervisor to handle me when I questioned it) because it was a fraction over 3 ounces, even though it had sailed through Houston without question.
When I had my broken foot in a boot they sequestered me in the lucite cell for a complete inspection and treated my crutches as if they must surely be stuffed with all manner of dangerous contraband. Clearly my condition was all a ruse.
Oh, and then there’s the time that the very threatening looking 18 year old pixie that was Laura received a thorough patting down, causing enough delay that we were bumped from our flight out of Newark. Assholes.
Enjoying your blog. Impressed that that nasty looking substance has aided in your weight loss. Give me Nutella instead (and toxic abdominal fat).
Speaking of which, beware the gorgeous chocolate shops in Brussels. Feel free to send souvenirs back to your loved ones….you have my address handy, I presume?
Maybe I’ve watched too many spy movies/tv shows. The bad guys are always smearing some innocuous paste/paint/gel etc on the wall/window/safe that is then activated by some other innocuous substance whereas a hole appears with either a sizzle, a boom or a quiet little pop (depending on the effect needed) at which point the bad guy escapes, gets the goods or delays the pursuing good guys.
I’m assuming if someone got fake chocolate in your fake peanut butter there would be the possibility of total airplane decompression.
@Sandra: Trust me on the Carb Not Beanit Butter. It’s such a great secret weapon. I would recommend it to anyone.