New York
April 6, 2011

Soapbox Alert:  You Have Entered a No Boredom Zone!

Few things get me madder quicker than “boredom.”  I enclose that word in quotation marks because, to be specific, it’s when other people use the word to describe their state of mind that I get pig-biting mad.

Bored?  Really? 

In my mind, being bored more than once or twice a year is unacceptable.  The world is too interesting a place.  “Boredom” is born of laziness and lack of imagination.

Life is too short, and there are too many cool things to do and discover, for boredom to be a regular occurrence in your life.

Of course, there are a few exceptions.

It is Permissible For You to be Bored if . . .

• you are blind and deaf
• you actually incarcerated (in a facility which does not contain a lending library)
• you are ill or severely injured
• you are actually dead

Don’t find yourself on the list above?  Then you don’t get to be bored, Sparky.

Perhaps this is a new concept for you.  If so, I am thrilled to report that I can help.

Things to Try if You are Bored

1.  Pick up a book. 

 Books.  You remember them?  They’re everywhere, thanks to Mr. Gutenberg.  And Amazon.  I don’t even care what kind of book you read.  I’m not a snob.  Read Danielle Steele, for all I care.  That chick must be able to tell a good story, considering all the units she’s moved.  Read Stephen King.  Read trash.  I don’t care.  I’ll bet you don’t even have a library card.  Why don’t you?  Libraries are great.  They let you borrow books for free, it’s crazy.  Or for that matter, it doesn’t even have to be a book.  Read a magazine.  Check out all those fabled “good articles” in Playboy. Or Cosmo.  Or National Geographic.  Or, hell, Maxim (which, of course, could have the added benefit of learning how to please her in bed three ways at the same time!‼).  I don’t care if you’re reading the back of a cereal box.  Just read something.  And if you can’t find anything you like to read, you’ve got bigger problems than boredom, pal.

2.  Do a chore. 

One of the main reasons you don’t want to clean your apartment, or work on your taxes, or wash your dog, is that there’s something else you’d rather do.  If you’re bored, then, by definition, there’s nothing particular that you feel like doing.  Perfect time to clean the underside of your platform bed!  [PS I learned this one from my wise grandmother, whose now an even wiser 98 years old.]

3.  Get out of your comfort zone.

Maybe you need to try something you don’t usually do.  Take a samba class.  Watch a sport you don’t think you like.  Sleep with someone who’s a different age/race/sex/religion than you usually hook up with.  Try a food you don’t think you like.  Take a drive to a part of town you never go to.

4.  Volunteer.

If you’re not doing anything, you might has well stuff envelopes, right?

5.  Play a video game.

Seriously.  If you have never tried them, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Find a genre of game you like, and boredom will be a thing of the past.

Finally, if you feel seriously bored frequently, it could be a sign that you suffer from clinical depression, in which case you need to seek help.

But if you’re healthy, and reasonably mobile, and aren’t in solitary confinement:  I don’t want to hear about how bored you are.