New York
April 12, 2011

Alma Mater

Today I passed my old Alma Mater, The American Academy of Dramatic Arts, on Madison Avenue.  I decided to step in and just look around.  I was met by a receptionist who wanted to know what the hell I was doing there.  “I graduated from here exactly thirty years ago, ” I said.  “Really?” She replied.  “Today is graduation day, as a matter of fact.”

I looked around at all the kids in their neatly pressed suits and dresses, having just returned from the stage of the Majestic Theater on Broadway where their ceremony had been held.  I should have asked who the speaker had been.  In April of 1981, when I graduated on the set of Deathtrap at the Music Box Theater, the speakers had been Jessica Tandy, Hume Cronyn and silent screen legend Lillian Gish. 

Today’s graduates looked predictably happy, tired and excited.  I sure hoped they were smarter than I was thirty years ago.  I stifled the impulse to collar some of them and give them some unsolicited advice.

Then I realized the person I really wanted to give advice to was my young, stupid, callow, naïve, hopeful 1981 self.  What I really wanted was to jump into a time machine, just for five minutes, and MAKE my 21-year old self listen to some wise words from his future self.

Here’s What I’d Tell My Stupid 21-Year Old 1981 Just-Graduated From Acting School Self

1. Either get out of show business right now or get a lot smarter about it immediately.
2. Come out of the damn closet already.  There’s no prize for who stays in the longest.[1]
3. Low carb, low carb, low carb, low carb, low carb.
4. Resist the impulse to take Meridia without a doctor’s supervision.
5. Learn about your credit rating.  Treat it like your first born child.
6. Credit cards are The Devil.
7. It’s not too late to make friends with your own body.  Do anything you have to to achieve this.
8. Did I mention low carb?
9. You’re skinnier and better looking than you think you are.
10. Investigate the new and growing world of computer and video gaming.  It might be a better career path than acting.
11. Like the song says, enjoy yourself, but always remember:  it’s later than you think.

 

 

I wonder if I would have listened?

 

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[1] But wait about three years before you start having sex.  There’s a scourge coming and it’ll be a little while before they know how you can avoid it.