Moscow, Russian Federation
May 21, 2011 

Imagine Las Vegas and Beijing having a baby, and that’ll give you a good idea of what Moscow looks like.  It’s massive and rough around the edges with bad drainage and crumbling roads, like Beijing.  But it’s decorated like a theme park, like Vegas.  I swear, when you are looking at the glittering domes of the Kremlin, the ridiculously gaudy and weird St. Basil’s Cathedral, the new-ish and much-hated statue of Peter the Great, or the massive wedding cake of Christ the Redeemer Cathedral, it feels like you are looking at the new Soviet Union-themed casino on the Strip.

It’s also not a little scary.  When I checked into my hotel, the front desk gave me something they called “temporary registration papers” for me to keep inside my passport, which, they stressed, I needed to have with me at all times.  Yes!  In Moscow you really have to have ‘papers’!  Today I’ll get my official, non-temporary registration.

But it gets better.  When the concierge was coaching me on my planned use of the subway system, he warned, “Now, whatever, you do, don’t show your papers to fake police.”

Fake police?  Yeah, I feel so much better now.

Some rain delayed my explorations for a few minutes, but happily stopped.  My first task:  Find the Client’s office so there would be no drama on Monday morning.

As I began to walk around the city, I was at first predictably intimidated by the fact that everything was not only in a different language, but a different alphabet.  Russian uses the Cyrillic alphabet, which contains some letters that look like and are pronounced similar to their counterparts in English, letters that look like English letters but are pronounced completely differently, letters borrowed from Greek, letters borrowed from Hebrew, and some letters specific to Russian.  It’s quite a jumble.

But I quickly discovered the Great Cyrillic Decoder Ring:  American franchise businesses!  Yep, within a block or two of my walk, I began to see Starbucks, McDonalds, Cinnabon (which I first identified by SMELL, I swear to Rapture Jesus on a Pterodactyl), and others.

Let’s look at those names:

Starbucks                            CTAPBAKC

McDonalds                         MAKдOHAлдC

Restaurant                          ресторан

Sbarro                                   CбAPPO

If you just take a breath, you start to see the connections.  Pretty soon I was doing better, which is a good thing, because the subway in Moscow is an adventure.

First of all, it’s world famous for its beauty.  Yes, its beauty.  The Soviet government pulled out all the stops, and  many of the stations are like underground Art Deco palaces.

Anyway, it was important for me to get more comfortable with the Cyrillic alphabet so I could figure out where the hell I was going on the subway.  And I’m doing great; I’ve taken several rides (including transfers) and haven’t gotten lost yet.

I walked the entire length of the Arbat,   a historical street that’s now a pedestrian mall.  It was good for people watching but as sightseeing was about on par with the Venice Beach “boardwalk.”

I then walked around the river and went into the spectacular Christ the Redeemer Cathedral, the tallest Orthodox church in the world.  It’s a shame I couldn’t get photos inside, because it’s jaw-dropping.

My Moscow-as-Vegas theory was given more legitimacy when I discovered the insane state of Peter the Great on the river.  It’s less than 20 years old and would be completely at home in front of Treasure Island on the Strip.  It’s on the list of the world’s ugliest statues, and Moscow has already tried to give it way to several other cities (“Thanks, but we’re good, ” said St. Petersburg with a shudder).

There seem to be no black people at all in Moscow.

On the other hand, the very Caucasian men and women of the city are extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemly attractive.  Seriously, the women are smokin’ and the men all have an intense, “Must escort my girlfriend back to our flat and then head to the gym” sort of look.

Finally got to Red Square.  St. Basil’s has to be the most insane house of worship I’ve ever seen.  It’s from the 1500s and it’s so unusual that it’s really without precedent in the history of Russian architecture.  I’m going  to try to go in on Saturday morning  before my train.

Also went into Gum, the enormous shopping structure directly across Red Square from the Kremlin.  It’s a beautiful Art Moderne mall full of high end franchise stores.  Gorgeous to walk through.

Then home and collapse!

Some of the Cooler Churches I’ve Been In

• St. John the Divine, New York
• Chartres, Chartres, France
• Notre Dame, Paris, France
• Santa Maria degli Angeli e dei Martiri, carved out of the Baths of Diocletian, Rome
• St. Peter’s, Rome, duh
• Christ the Redeemer, Moscow