I know it’s wrong to take joy in the sufferings of others, but when it comes to SUV owners, I think I can find it in myself to forgive myself.

Owners of those unpatriotic, environmentally destructive, showoffy, oversized, dangerous beasts known as Sports Utility Vehicles are finding themselves on the ass-end of a yummy Karmic whiplash these days. The bottom of the SUV market is dropping so fast that many owners of newish SUVs are finding themselves in an “upside-down” position — meaning that their cars have depreciated so fast they are worth far less than the loans.

Getting the message about gas economy too late, these hapless road hogs are flocking back to car dealerships, desperate to trade in their Humvees and Explorers and Land Rovers and Earth Eaters for peppy little four-cylinder cars with great gas mileage. Alas, when it comes to trade-in time they are experiencing excruciating reverse sticker-shock!

I heard on the radio yesterday about a man who tried to trade in his 1-year old Cadillac Escalade. He had paid $70, 000 for it. The appraiser offered him $31, 000. Hearing this, my heart sang like I was Julie Andrews spinning around on top of an Alp. What made it easier to have no sympathy for this clown was that he had two more cars at home: a second Escalade and a third, LARGER car (what was it, a Sherman tank?).

Hee hee hee. This is great stuff, even better than hearing stories of deranged Earth-Firsters who go around keying SUVs or setting them on fire. This is more delicious than cold watermelon on a hot Texas July afternoon.

The bigger lesson here is that Americans could at last learn a little modesty. Whenever I’m in Europe I’m always struck by how even the well-heeled drive around in compact, fuel efficient cars, and how few of them live in the grotesque McMansions that sprinkle our great land. We still worship the idol of Conspicuous Consumption in our country, and I’d love to see the current fuel crisis help mitigate that just a little bit.

But in the meanwhile, I have this to say to my dear friends and family members who are still misguidedly driving the gas-guzzling bohemoths: “How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel paying $175 to fill up that monster?”

Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.