Mark Sanford caught in adultery after self-righteously calling for the resignation of other politicians caught with their pants down.

John Ensign ditto!

Sarah Palin resigns!

What a great world!

One of the most disturbing things I notice about “the kids today” is the utter disinterest in anything that happened more than five minutes ago.

Displaying this depressing and alarming tendency was Meghan McCain on last week’s “Real Time With Bill Maher.”

Meghan McCain is more than just the adorable 25 year old daughter of John McCain; she’s a political activist! Just ask her!

She was there to discuss her efforts to bring about bipartisanship in American politics. An admiral goal. Go Meghan.

But then she opened her mouth. Oh dear.

TWICE during her ten-minute segment, she declared something to be irrelevant to her life because it happened before she was born.

She joined Bill and his other guests in discussing the recent history of partisan bickering that has (arguably) poisoned American politics.

She stated that she was sick of Obama blaming everything on Bush. CNN news analyst Paul Begala broke in, pointing out the inconvenient truth that Reagan blamed everything on Jimmy Carter.

Perky Meghan sniffed and retorted, “Well that happened before I was born, so I wouldn’t know.”

Begala looked at her incredulously and replied, “Well I wasn’t born during the French Revolution, but I know about that.”

To which McCain replied, “Oh yeah, you just know everything, don’t you?”

. . . thus supporting another destructive trend in American culture, scorn for education and knowledge.

Cindy McCain was born in 1984, a good decade after the Vietnam War. I wonder how her father feels about the idea that his suffering in a prison camp that war is irrelevant to his daughter.

If she and people like her are the future of the Republican Party, I don’t think we liberals have anything to worry about.

I’m really very extremely exceedingly freaked out over the economy.  It’s affecting my work in a catastrophic way.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my apartment.

The only time I get optimistic is when I hear President Obama speak.  Did you watch that speech last week?

This is a seriously ambitious, smart, and determined guy.  Listening to him I get the feeling that if ANYONE can help us find our way out of this mess, it’s him.  I really think he might have greatness in him.  I sure hope so, don’t you?

I am so goddamned mad.

If anyone in this country should understand religious persecution, it’s Mormons.  It’s incredible to me that they’d spend $22 million trying to strip away existing rights from innocent Californians by forcing their own religious agenda into law.

To write discrimination INTO the Constitution is unAmerican.

Any member of the wacko LDS church who doesn’t repudiate this drive against civil rights is an unAmerican coward.

And while I’m at it, I’m also furious at all the fucking BLACK PEOPLE who voted Yes on 8 (which was nearly all of them who voted).  If anyone can understand the struggle for civil rights, it’s black people.  SHAME ON THEM.

TO BE OPENED IN THE EVENT OF A COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF POST-BAILOUT WESTERN CIVILIZATION

To:  My Beneficent New Agrarian Overlords

From:  Nobody important, just me

Subject:  Please don’t line me up against the wall of a collapsed Washington Mutual branch and shoot me

Dear Beloved Leaders,

Now that the financial crisis has completely ended the post WWII financial miracle of the First World and we are all once again living in a state of pre-Roman subsistence farming, I would like to make the case against my likely execution.

I realize that as a complete creature of the formerly technological 21st Century, I am most likely seen as 1) utterly useless in the new farm economy and 2) a pointless drain on the precious resources of the people’s collective. 

I’ve anxiously watched as the CEOs, politicians and judges were executed.  Then I bit my nails and said nothing as the attorneys, investment bankers and internet moguls were liquidated.  I tried not to show my alarm when the game show hosts, film executives and mimes were shot. 

And now I figure you are probably getting around to me.  And people like me. 

And I understand, truly.  I’m useless with a plow.  I’m not good in the hot sun.  I even lose my concentration while shelling peas.  I can see why I’m not seen as a valuable contributor to our glorious new society.

But I’ve been thinking (don’t hold it against me!) and I think I just may have come up with a few ideas of jobs I would be good for.  Consider:

1)  BARD.  I have a very good memory about things like movies and video games.  After a hard day’s toiling in the fields the weary workers could sit around the fire in the evenings while I tell them about how cool World of Warcraft was, and how much fun it was to sit through The Devil Wears Prada.  The farmers will thrill to my vivid recreations of 40-man raids to Molten Core, and the ladies will delight in my description of Meryl Streep’s sculpted, molded coif and Italian shoes. 

2)  SCARECROW.  I know I don’t look like I have the build for it, but I’m sure I could be a good scarecrow.  As long as you give me a wide-brimmed hat, a noisemaker and plenty of sunscreen (before it runs out, I mean), I could guard the precious crops against marauding birds all day.  Really.

3)  EDUCATIONAL TOOL.  You could set me up in a little booth and school kids could come learn about me as a Negative Example.  You know, a symbol of everything they don’t want to grow up to become.  Their young disgust at my sloth, physical weakness and intellectual vanity could really help scare them into becoming the productive little farmers of the future that we all need them to be.

Those are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure I can come up with more.  So could you please just consider keeping me around a little bit longer?  I’ll be quiet and stay out of everyone’s way, I promise. 

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Ray

P.S. I swear it wasn’t me who raided the last few existing boxes of Cap’n Crunch.  Really, really wasn’t me.

Look at any photo of Palin, particularly any one of her during her speech.  You can see the glint of meanness right there in her eyes.  It’s that same bullying attitude that characterized the members of the Republican resurgence in the early 90s.  In Palin’s eyes is the same bigoted, intolerant meanness that used to be displayed by such G.O.P. attack dogs as Newt Gingrich and Phil Gramm.

One heartbeat away from being President?  That scares the shit out of me. This is a woman who wants religion taught in science class and wants abortion denied even to victims of rape and incest.

I hope good, reasonable Republican voters realize this choice reflects McCain’s reckless nature when it comes to making important decisions.

The indefatigable Jerry Brown has held almost every elected state position there is in California.  Currently our Attorney General, he scored big points with me yesterday when he demanded a change in Proposition 8, the upcoming ballot measure aimed at creating a constitutional amendment preventing same-sex marriage.

Brown changed the phrase “only marriage between a man and a woman will be valid and recognized” to [this initiative] “will eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry.” 

This wording change is a triumph for fairness, as it makes clear that, since the recent California Supreme Court ruling, same-sex couples currently have the right to marry, and that this initiative would not merely block the expansion of rights, but would cancel existing rights already held by many Californians.

This is the first indication of something I predicted a few months ago.  Taking existing rights away from people is a much bigger deal than merely blocking the expansion of rights to groups or individuals who have not yet enjoyed those rights.  It’s a more difficult thing to do, as the homophobic creeps behind Prop. 8 are finding out.

I know it’s wrong to take joy in the sufferings of others, but when it comes to SUV owners, I think I can find it in myself to forgive myself.

Owners of those unpatriotic, environmentally destructive, showoffy, oversized, dangerous beasts known as Sports Utility Vehicles are finding themselves on the ass-end of a yummy Karmic whiplash these days. The bottom of the SUV market is dropping so fast that many owners of newish SUVs are finding themselves in an “upside-down” position — meaning that their cars have depreciated so fast they are worth far less than the loans.

Getting the message about gas economy too late, these hapless road hogs are flocking back to car dealerships, desperate to trade in their Humvees and Explorers and Land Rovers and Earth Eaters for peppy little four-cylinder cars with great gas mileage. Alas, when it comes to trade-in time they are experiencing excruciating reverse sticker-shock!

I heard on the radio yesterday about a man who tried to trade in his 1-year old Cadillac Escalade. He had paid $70, 000 for it. The appraiser offered him $31, 000. Hearing this, my heart sang like I was Julie Andrews spinning around on top of an Alp. What made it easier to have no sympathy for this clown was that he had two more cars at home: a second Escalade and a third, LARGER car (what was it, a Sherman tank?).

Hee hee hee. This is great stuff, even better than hearing stories of deranged Earth-Firsters who go around keying SUVs or setting them on fire. This is more delicious than cold watermelon on a hot Texas July afternoon.

The bigger lesson here is that Americans could at last learn a little modesty. Whenever I’m in Europe I’m always struck by how even the well-heeled drive around in compact, fuel efficient cars, and how few of them live in the grotesque McMansions that sprinkle our great land. We still worship the idol of Conspicuous Consumption in our country, and I’d love to see the current fuel crisis help mitigate that just a little bit.

But in the meanwhile, I have this to say to my dear friends and family members who are still misguidedly driving the gas-guzzling bohemoths: “How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel paying $175 to fill up that monster?”

Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.