Berlin
May 3, 2011 

Private Segway Tour of Berlin!

I began the day with a four hour private Segway tour of Berlin.  I say private because I was the only one signed up for the tour.  This was fantastic, as it meant I had the tourguide – an adorable gay ex-pat video artist named Kevin – to my self.  He was a great tourguide and gave me a great introduction to Berlin. 

Berlin’s history, when you look back on the last 100 years, is simply insane.  It’s mind-boggling how much has happened in this city.  Two world wars, the poisonous paranoia of post-War East Germany, the fall of Communism, the Reunification, etc.  It’s just a titanic amount of events in a relatively short period.

I learned from Kevin that Berlin has a very popular openly gay mayor. 

I also learned that Berlin is sinking into the swamp.  There are blue pipes all over the city which are literally pumping water into the water table to keep the city afloat.  The main cathedral of Berlin is sinking at an alarming rate. 

We, of course, went to Checkpoint Charlie.  It’s such a cliché, I didn’t expect it to be particularly interesting.  But it was surprisingly moving to see the old sign – “You are entering the American sector” and its chilly reverse.  The former location of the Wall is marked by a double line of cobblestones that winds its way through Berlin.  Of course they left a little bit of it actually standing, just for history’s sake.

In many places the Wall had a very wide “Dead Zone” between the two layers of wall, and so when it came down in 1989 the city suddenly had a huge amount of undeveloped real estate right in the middle of town.  They’ve built many interesting new things on it, including the Jewish Holocaust Memorial.

Kevin also told me a fun story about the godawful ugly tower which juts up out of the Alexanderplatz (a huge transit hub).  It’s a phallic concrete monstrosity built by the East Germans as a way to show the superiority of Communist know-how and engineering.  The only trouble is, the brain drain from East Germany had been so severe that the building couldn’t actually be designed or built by East Germans.  So they secretly snuck in an entire work force from Sweden to build the thing.  Of course, the truth was found out eventually.  It generally is.

Another amusing thing about the tower.  East Germany was officially atheist, remember, while the rest of Berlin remained Lutheran and Catholic.  When the tower was completed an interesting and unexpected natural phenomenon occurred when the sun was in the west:  Its reflection on the bumpy globe at the top of the tower creates a perfect cross.  Locally it’s known as “The Pope’s Revenge.”

Kevin also was a wealth of good advice on where to get a hair cut, and what neighborhoods would be fun to explore.  This was good info to get because Berlin is one of those cities that doesn’t have a real center, which can make it intimidating for a tourist.

I am good on the Segway.  This was my second time I’ve done a Segway tour.  However, I did have one unfortunate moment when I was dismounting and the beast got itself into a slow but unstoppable spiral.  It and me went down.  I’m not hurt, but I my right side is pretty bruised and sore.  What was worse was, I did it right in the middle of about a thousand people.  I think that hurt more than the fall.

Reasons Tourguide Kevin Will Give Up His Life in Berlin to Move to Los Angeles To Be With Me

• … okay, guys, a little help here?  There’s got to be some reasons we can come up with . . .