All posts by Ray Ivey

Food For Thought, Minutia of My Fascinating Life
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Dr. Kathy Magliato: My Hero

Ten years ago today, I was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Beverly Hills.  I had been ignoring increasingly serious chest pains for ten days.  I cannot defend this behavior, other than to tell you that I have actute “white coat hypertension” – meaning I’m terrified of doctors, doctor’s offices, and hospitals.

 

This time the fear nearly killed me, because when I finally went in, my main cardiac artery was 97% blocked.   In other words, I was a walking corpse.  Later I learned that the type of lesion I had on my artery had a nickname in the cardiac healthcare community:  The Widowmaker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widow_maker).

 

Lucky for me, Dr. Kathy Magliato and her talented team at Cedars swooped in and saved my life.  I’ll never forget the first thing she said to me as she leaned into my hospital bed and shook my hand:  “Mr. Ivey, you have a beautiful heart.  There is nothing wrong with your heart.”  It was an odd, but welcome thing to hear from the woman who was getting ready to cut me open and rewire said heart.

 

Dr. Kathy was ridiculously kind and calming.  She was way nicer than surgeons are supposed to be, and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

 

I as, of course, beside myself with terror.  Lucky for me, my friends and family immediately began taking care of me.  Bonnie kept me calm while I was being admitted.  My Dad flew in from Louisiana, slept on a shelf in my hospital room the night before the surgery, and took care of me for two weeks.  My friends Tayler, David, Anita, Ellen, and others made sure I had visits.  My cousin Sheryl was her usual championship self.  Even my boss, Erica, visited me while I was in ICU.  That’s hardcore.

 

Thanks to Dr. Magliato, I received a second chance at being alive.

 

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 285 user reviews.

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“Macau” is that old Portuguese colony off the coast of China. “Macaw” is a New World parrot. These are two different words which are not pronounced the same.

Also:

Nassau is a county in Long Island, New York, a city in the Bahamas, and lots of other places. NASA is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. These are two different words which are not pronounced the same.

Finally: “Novel” is not a synonym for “book” any more than “Chicken chimichanga” is a synonym for “food.”  You don’t get to casually refer to a book as a “novel” to make yourself sound more sophisticated unless the book is ACTUALLY a novel.

That is all.

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 224 user reviews.

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Bodybuilding, Pronouncements
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CRANKY ALERT.  I’m all for positive thinking.  I’m all for pushing ourselves and encouraging each other to strive to be better. But I’m getting a little tired of the language I’m seeing a lot here on FB.  Language like “only you limit what… you can achieve, ” or “you can be anything you dream.” Well, actually, you can’t.  I can dream a lot of things that can never happen.  I can make myself better, naturally (EVEN better).
Alex Carneiro

But I can’t make myself twenty years old.  I can’t make myself genetically athletic.  I can’t make myself NOT have a double bypass in my past.  The sky is NOT the limit.  We all have limits.  To tell people they don’t is to set them up for feelings of shame when their dreams do not come true. No matter HOW hard I try, or believe, or strive, or work, I cannot look like Alexandre Marx Carneiro here.  Few people can.  We can all get better, but we CANNOT be *anything* we dream.  That is all.

Average Rating: 5 out of 5 based on 201 user reviews.

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Best Films of 2011

  1. The Artist – Director Michel Hazanavicius goes retro with this silent movie about the advent of sound in Hollywood.  Yes, it treads some of the same ground as Once in a Lifetime and Singin’ in the Rain, but it’s highly original, beautiful, and enchanting.
  2. Project Nim – Amazing true story of a misbegotten scientific experiment in the 1970s.  The goal?  To raise a chimpanzee as a human baby and see how much sign language he could learn.  A electrifying, appalling, fascinating, disturbing, and inspiring story.
  3. Drive – This beautiful, horrifying, mesmerizing, sexy, and thrilling picture is the best crime thriller I’ve seen in years.  Ryan Gosling is spectacular, and Albert Brooks delivers the goods with an unforgettable supporting performance.
  4. The Descendants – Alexander Payne’s beautifully observed family drama set in Hawaii.  Clooney’s best performance since Michael Clayton.
  5. The Adventures of Tintin – I agree that Spielberg seemed revitalized by his dynamic handling of the big-feature debut of the beloved Belgian comic book hero.  Just about everything in the movie works.  Even the 3D.  It’s a fun, funny, thrilling ride.  Special props to Jamie Bell for a vocal performance that anchors the movie.
  6. Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen’s best film in years, with a delicious magical premise and a very valuable moral.  It takes a lot for me to recommend a movie starring Owen Wilson, but Woody’s managed to do it.
  7. Martha Marcie May Marlene – I know I was fairly hard on this movie when it came out, but I really think it was my own personal filter, and not the movie’s fault.  This is a highly original work, haunting, beautifully acted, and VERY disturbing.
  8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – I know I’m shocked, too.  But I probably shouldn’t be, with the genius Brad Bird taking over the directing duties.  But I must give props to Tom Cruise as well.  He turns in a performance of tremendous star power.  He’s even funny.  Color me disoriented.
  9. Cave of Forgotten Dreams – The first 3D documentary I’ve ever seen.  Director Werner Herzog takes us into a newly-discovered cave in France that contains the oldest examples of human art ever discovered.
  10. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Top-notch commercial filmmaking.  The CGI performance-capture apes worked much better than I would have imagined.  Full of fantastic franchise easter eggs.  Only problem:  James Franco doesn’t bring any value-added, other than his looks.  He needs to work a little harder.

Honorable Mention

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II,  The Debt, Paranormal Activity 3, The Ides of March, Margin Call, Take Shelter, A Dangerous Method, Hugo[1], The Muppets, My Week With Marilyn, We Bought a Zoo, War Horse, Life in a Day, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

 

Actor

Michael Fassbender — Jane Eyre, A Dangerous Method and Shame

Brad Pitt – Moneyball

Michael Shannon – Take Shelter

*George Clooney – The Descendants

Jean Dujardin – The Artist

Honorable Mention:  Rhys Ifans  — Anonymous, Dominic Cooper – The Devil’s Double

 

Actress

*Glenn Close – Albert Nobbs

Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady

Viola Davis – The Help

Michelle Williams — My Week With Marilyn

Charlize Theron – Young Adult

Honorable Mention:  Vera Farmiga – Higher Ground, Rooney Mara – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Tilda Swinton – We Need to Talk About Kevin, Elizabeth Olsen – Martha Marcie May Marlene

 

Supporting Actor

*Albert Brooks – Drive

Jonah Hill –Moneyball

John Hawkes – Martha Marcie Mae Marlene

Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Max Von Sydow – Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Honorable Mention:  Patton Oswalt – Young Adult

 

Supporting Actress

Jessica Chastain – The Help, The Debt

*Octavia Spencer – The Help

Bérénice Bejo – The Artist

Judi Dench – My Week With Marilyn

Janet McTeer – Albert Nobbs

 

Director

Stephen Spielberg — The Adventures of Tintin

Nicolas Winding Refn – Drive

*Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist

Brad Bird – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Alexander Payne – The Descendents

Honorable Mention:  Vera Farmiga – Higher Ground, David Fincher – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

 

Screenplay

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

Drive

*The Descendants

My Week With Marilyn

 

Cinematography (it’s a tie)

*Drive

*Tree of Life

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Martha Marcie May Marlene

The Artist

 

Art Direction / Set design

*Hugo

The Immortals

The Help

Tree of Life

The Devil’s Double

War Horse

 

Costumes

Albert Nobbs

*Anonymous

The Immortals

 

Score

The Descendants

*The Adventures of Tintin

Carnage

 

Documentary

*The Troubadors – terrific chronicle of the emergence of the singer/songwriter on the American pop music scene in the late 60s and early 70s, with a special emphasis on James Taylor and Carole King.

Tabloid – Errol Morris once again finds a fascinating human story to explore.

Being Elmo – A loving portrait of legendary Muppeteer Kevin Clash.

 

Animated Feature (no winner; they are all sooooo good)

Rango

Puss in Boots

The Adventures of Tintin

 

Foreign Language Feature

Undertow [Peru]  – A gorgeous film that uses magical realism to tell a sweet, sad and life-affirming love story.

*Point Blank [France] – A very thrilling, twisty, well-acted and superbly shot crime story.

 

Funniest!

Puss in Boots

Paul

 

Undergoddamnedrated

The Eagle – It was not only the best gay movie of the year, but a surprisingly well done depiction of the collision of Rome and native Caledonian (that is, proto-Scottish) barbarians in the second century.  Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell and Mark Strong are all in fine form.

In Time – Why did critics hate this movie so much?  It was clever, audacious and exciting.  Justin Timberlake proves his mettle as an action star.

The Lincoln Lawyer – I don’t care what anyone said.  This was the first grownup movie in forever from the once-promising Matthew McConnaughey, and he is quite good in it.

The Guard – Written and directed by the brother of the man who wrote and directed the great “In Bruges” and likewise starring the great Brendan Gleeson, this tiny little character-driven thriller deserves a look by any film buff.  Also, it’s always good to see Don Cheadle in anything.

Special Shout-Out to YouTube

For producing the remarkable movie Life in a Day.  Ordinary people from around the world were invited to submit video of their own lives on a particular day – July 24, 2010.  The thousands of videos received were culled and edited into a beautiful portrait of life on Earth.

The Greatest Film Ever Made

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas.  Okay, not really the GREATEST, but it’s wall-to-wall fun.

Most Bizarre Film Sequence of 2011

Oscar-winner Chris Cooper breaks into a rap number in The Muppets.

Slyest Dirty Joke

They managed to slip a song called “Fuck You” into the family-friendly The Muppets.  How did they do it?  It was sung by the chickens, who can only speak one word:  “Bok!”

Waaaaaaay Better Than I Expected

Anonymous — Who would have ever put money on the chances of Roland Emmerich directing a movie that I would champion?  Well, he did.  This speculative tale of an alternative author of Shakespeare is simply delicious from start to finish.  Seriously, put it on the top of your Netflix queue.

Most Underrated Movie of the Year

Paul.  Yes, this silly alien-on-the-run comedy was hilarious and smart.  Rent it if you don’t believe me.

Further Proof that Liam Neeson Has Stumbled Onto a Really Good Career Phase

In 2008 when he scored with Taken (a JANUARY release!) it seemed like a fluke.  But then he followed it up with Unknown this past January.  Both were solid, fun thrillers.  If his new film The Grey follows suit, he’ll have a full-fledged franchise on his hands.

I must be going soft, because …

I actually didn’t mind Starlet Johansson in We Bought a Zoo.  Is this a sign of The Apocalypse?

Inched me closer to accepting John C. Reilly as a movie star

The very underappreciated, sweet, odd, and funny Cedar Rapids.  Also, it was great to see Anne Heche in a lead role again!

Trashy Fun

I Am Number Four.  Dopey but weirdly fun high school science fiction action pic.

Limitless.  Fun wish-fulfillment fantasy with Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro (playing against type in a fun way).

Source Code.  Special props to Vera Farmiga who has to give most of her performance as a talking head on video, and yet still manages to be compelling at every moment.

Horrible Bosses.

Good Neighbors – even the presence of two actors I really like (Jay Baruchel and Scott Speedman) couldn’t turn this sow’s ear into a silk purse, but it’s a genre I like so much (Chamber Thriller) that I still enjoyed myself.

The Devil’s Double – Nasty thriller based on the true life experiences of a man forced into living as a double for one of Saddam Hussein’s sons.  Tremendous work by Dominic Cooper in dual roles.

The Help – It cheapens the themes of the book, but it’s still beguilingly written and performed.  Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer are standouts in a terrific cast.

30 Minutes or Less – It’s possible this movie only seemed good because I was in Tampa.

Crazy Stupid Love – It was a hot mess, but still, fun.

Friends With Benefits – Sharp, funny romcom with very appealing lead performances from Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.

Fright Night – A totally unnecessary remake, but still, fun!

In Time – Written and directed by Andrew Niccol, the same dude who wrote and directed Gattaca.  And yeah, this movie may be a tiny bit too much LIKE Gattaca, but hey, Justin Timberlake over Ethan Hawke is a huge improvement, right?  In Time is elegant and exciting and fun.

The Immortals – as my friend Brett might say, “Bring on the mens!”

The Adjustment Bureau – Silly, but nice high concept plus great suits and hats.

 

Scariest

Paranormal Activity 3 – The filmmakers behind 2010’s Catfish take over the reins of the popular “Found Footage” franchise, with very creepy results.  Best cinematic idea:  The camera mounted on the oscillating fan.

Best Career Move

It was extremely smart for Matthew Lillard to take a one-scene role in The Descendants.  Not only is it a better picture than he has ever been in, but it’s a role utterly unlike anything we’ve seen him do before.  Good for him, his agent, and Alexander Payne for using him in this interesting way.

Special Kudos to Warner Brothers

I have to congratulate Warner Brothers for the skillful and consistent and classy way they have handled the Harry Potter franchise.  Over the course of ten years, eight films, five different directors and a galaxy of the most talented British thespians, the films were consistently entertaining and well-made.  Probably the greatest thing Warners got right was the casting of the three leads:  Daniel Ratcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint.  Not only did they embody the books characters beautifully (Ms. Watson is too pretty for Hermione, but that’s not her fault), but they handled themselves offscreen in a classy and professional manner.  The Harry Potter movies will go down in Hollywood history with one of the greatest film franchises, taking a well-deserved place alongside the Thin Man films, the James Bond films, the Fred and Ginger dance movies, and many others.  My hat is off to all involved.

Fun Villains

January Jones as an icy assassin and Frank Langella as a Machiavellian boss in Unknown.

Best Special Effect

Jeremy Renner’s forearms in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

 

Can we see more of?

Isiah Whitlock – Very funny and appealing as a not-particularly “street” black dude in Cedar Rapids

Anne Heche – Okay so maybe she’s crazy.  Who cares.  She’s a big talent, and I want to see her in more movies.

Mason Lee – practically the only good thing in The Hangover II.

Corey Stoll – mesmerizing as Ernest Hemmingway in Midnight in Paris.

Emma Stone – I know, she starred in two big movies this year, but she’s adorable.

Zachary Quinto – He was only in two features this year and one of those was a cameo.  I think we can all agree that this isn’t enough.

Jessica Chastain – Seriously, the flavor of the month this year.  She appeared in Texas Killing Fields, The Tree of Life, The Debt, The Help, Coriolanus, Take Shelter.  All major roles, too.  For once, I think they’ve anointed the right actor as The Next Big Thing.  I approve, and I hope we get to see her in seven movies in 2012.

 

Kudos for compliance with the “Ray and tayler” rule about getting in shape for a movie

Alex Pettyfer in I Am Number Four

Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love and Drive

 

A friendly warning to kal penn…

… who took a brief sabbatical from his duties working for President Obama to make A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas:  You’re a very good looking guy.  Don’t let all that plush White House food send you into a weight-gaining spiral.  Learn from MY mistakes!!

Great suits and hats!

The Adjustment Bureau

Give Him a lead in an “A” picture already

Anthony Mackie

Best Argument For a Benevolent Deity

Henry Cavill in The Descendants

Greatest ALIENS Reference Ever

In Paul, Blythe Danner gets to yell TO Sigourney Weaver:  “Get away from her, you BITCH!”  Heaven.

Overrated, I don’t care what you say

Bridesmaids – I like Kristen Wiig as much as the next guy, but her script for this movie was alternatively unfunny (the one-upsmanship party toast sequence) and stupidly over-the-top (yay, wedding gowns and diarrhea).  Also:  Are there really Irish cops in Milwaukee?  Really?

Super 8 – Elle Fanning was terrific, but the train crash was stupidly over-the-top, and the third act made no sense at all.

I Guess I Am Just Too Stoopid to Understand, Appreciate, or Enjoy It

Tree of Life

Most Boring Movie of 2011

Of Gods and Men.  Yes, this French film actually managed to be more dull than The Tree of Life.

Weirdest Movie of 2011

Rubber.  A movie about a sentient, homicidal steel-belted radial tire.  And it’s not animated.  Yes, it’s as strange as it sounds, and very very meta, in case that appeals to you.

Biggest Disappointment

Red State – Kevin Smith ventures into Quentin Tarantino / Coen Brothers territory, with very indifferent results.

It may be time to talk about a constitutional amendment barring artists from becoming filmmakers

Or at least to keep Steve McQueen from making another movie as boring as Shame.  Yes, he managed to make a film about a sex addict played by the frequently nude Michael Fassbender boring.  This couldn’t have been easy.  But he managed, and made it predictable and pretentious as well!

Worst Score

The Chemical Brothers’s earsplitting, inappropriate, jangling, obnoxious music for Hanna.

The Jodie Foster Award For Worst Performance by a Lead Actor

I regret to report that this award goes, once again, to… Jodie Foster herself for her hammy, senior-class-play-level performance in the otherwise interesting Roman Polanski film Carnage.  Perhaps it’s time to consider just giving Jodie the Lifetime Achievement Award in this category?

Worst Films of the Year

Water For Elephants – BLEH.  Not even Academy Award-winners Christoph Waltz and Reese Witherspoon could salvage this tedious bit of dreck starring an inexcusably out-of-shape Robert Pattinson.

Thor – First of all, it was a bore.  Second, it was a cheat.  Why?  The publicity machine was in overtime for an entire year about the incredible shape star Chris Hemsworth was getting into for the title role.  The trailers for the film showed a very brief glimpse of his amazing physique.  Unfortunately, it turns out, that brief shot was the entire amount of screentime he appeared shirtless. I want my money back!

The Hangover II – I loved the first one.  Really.  But this one was a bust.  It also confirmed all of my fears about the city of Bangkok.

What’s Your Number?  — Even the presence of a frequently-naked Chris Evans couldn’t lift this dumb, contrived romcom out of the doldrums.

Hanna – It’s full of people I love (Eric Bana, Saoirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett) and directed by the talented Joe Wright (Atonement, Pride and Prejudice).  But the movie sucked, no matter what my friend Valerie might tell you.  Don’t listen to her.


REST IN PEACE!

The peerless Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)

The indefatigable Harry Morgan (1915-2011)

The underrated “full-figure” girl Jane Russell (1921-2011)

The legendary Hollywood agent Sue Mengers (1932-2011)

The very tall James Arness (1923-2011)

The sort-of creepy Jeff Conaway (1950-2011)

The 50-foot woman herself, Yvette Vickers (1928-2010)

The perennial character actor Michael Gough (1916-2011)

The puzzlingly admired Pete Postlethwaite (1946-2011)

The sexy siren Anne Francis (1930-2011)

The alarmingly hilarious Kenneth Mars (1935-2011)

The prolific film composer John Barry (1933-2011)

The insane director Ken Russell (1927-2011)

The durable Charles Napier (1936-2011)

The Oscar-winning Cliff Robertson (1923-2011)

The simply great Peter Falk (1927-2011)

The tragically underappreciated writer, producer, and designer Polly Platt (1939-2011)

 

Comments?  Kudos?  Threats?  Please leave a comment!!


[1] Full disclosure:  This film would be in the top films of the year list if I just didn’t dislike Martin Scorcese’s films as much as I do.  So sue me.

Average Rating: 5 out of 5 based on 213 user reviews.

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Minutia of My Fascinating Life
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Tonight at Christmas dinner I was chatting with Armin Shimmerman.  After a little talk about baking cakes (me) and bread (him) I said, “Forgive me if I’ve asked you this before, Armin, but do all Star Trek people know each other?” (Armin played Quark on “Deep Space Nine.”)

“Yeah, we do, ” he said.  “Even if we weren’t in the same thing, we all know each other from conventions and cruises and stuff.”

He then confirmed that yes, he knew my dear old friend Robin Curtis (Lieutenant Saavik in III and IV).  Blah, blah.

Then we just slid into talking about how much we both admired George Takei.

I’m not a Trek person.  Nothing against it!  I just never got that into it.  Basically the tiny bit I know about Trek is because of people I know who are professionally connected to it, not because I was ever really a fan.

So my admiration of Takei is not due to his iconic status as Mr. Sulu, though of course that is very cool.  No, the reason I’m all about The Takei is because of what a fantastic civil rights activist he is.

A native of Los Angeles, Takei did part of his growing up in the internment camps in which the U.S. government disgracefully confined thousands of American citizens during the war for the crime of being of Japanese descent.  Takei has always been very active in Japanese and Japanese/American issues.

For the last few years, Takei has also been a relentless and effective activist for gay rights.  His hilarious and biting YouTube videos garner stupendous numbers of hits.

I’ve always valued humor as a tool of ridicule and political discourse, and I find Takei’s activist work to be subversively clever and devastatingly pointed.  He has become quite a hero of mine.

Anyway, Michael, another guest at dinner, caught wind of what we were discussing, and dropped the following little bombshell:

“Takei?  You know I’m his agent.”

Very.  Long.  Pause.

“…really?!” I gulped.

As it turns out, Michael helped Takei pull his career out of the doldrums.  He’s the one who booked Takei on Howard Stern’s Sirius radio show, which really spiked his visibility. (Visibility!  Radio!  Yuk yuk!)  He booked him on “Heroes, ” commercials, and other things.  Was at his wedding, yadda yadda yadda.

When Michael first met Takei, the actor was still professionally pretty closeted.  After he decided to be more frank about being gay, the same thing happened that has happened to other closeted celebrities:  His career skyrocketed.

“How great was he on the Shatner roast, ” I said.

“Oh yeah!” said Michael.  “We were there, ” his wife Jasmine said.

“Well.”  I said.  “Please, the next time you speak to him, would you tell him that you know someone who is a HUGE admirer of his and who appreciates the work he does for civil rights.”

Michael chuckled.  “Tell him yourself.  I’ll call him.”

Yeah, right.  As yummy as this prospect was, I was way too polite to push it, so I let it go and let the conversation drift toward other topics – involuntary organ transplants, Serbo-Croation cuisine, fleas — you know, the usual stuff.

A few minutes later, Michael walked up to me.  “Tried him, no answer.”

Wow!  “Well, thanks for trying, anyway!”

A few minutes after that, he walked back up to me, phone in his ear.

“Yeah.  Oh, George, I have a friend here who really wants to say hello to you.”

Handed me the phone.

I didn’t hesitate.  I didn’t stutter.  I am a professional.

“Hello, Mr. Takei, ” I said.  “I’m awfully sorry to interrupt your Christmas.  But I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re one of the fiercest and rowdiest warriors we have for civil rights now, and I SO appreciate everything that you do.”

To which he replied, “Fuck off, faggot.”

No.  KIDDING.  Of course he didn’t say that.  Don’t be silly!

What he SAID was:

“Well, I think we all do what we can do, and I appreciate what YOU do.”

Classy guy.

I said Merry Christmas and so long, hung up the phone, had a quiet little nerdgasm.

If you are not familiar with Takei’s riotous videos on YouTube, I highly recommend you check them out.  Also recommended is his very active Facebook page.

Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5 based on 212 user reviews.

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Minutia of My Fascinating Life, Spring Forward, Travel
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Wrap-Up

 [Note:  I’ve peppered this final edition of Spring Forward with some of my favorite pictures from the many I took on the trip.]

triumphangel_1I began this trip with lists, have used lists throughout the journey, and now cannot seem to end without using lists.  I thought about lists the whole trip.

But before I get to these final lists, I have a couple of thoughts about the trip in general.

better_twinsThis next bit may sound a big smug, and if it does, I apologize ahead of time, because smugness is so very unattractive.  But here goes anyway.

I mostly feel good about the trip because I pulled it off so well.  While it’s true that I feel like fear causes serious constraints on my life in many areas, I don’t think you could say it does in regards to travel.  For whatever reason, whatever bravery I have comes to the fore when it comes to putting myself into unfamiliar surroundings.big_head

trump_dogI never freaked out when I was navigating a strange foreign city, whether on foot or underground in a subway.  I never panicked when all the conversation around me was in words I couldn’t understand.  I found ways to enjoy each new strange place I visited.

Also, since I’ve learned to be a careful traveler, my journey was not beset by lots of negative events.  Or, to be more specific:

I never missed a connection on a flight, train, or bus.

I never had a problem with a hotel reservation.

angel_at_sunsetI never had a problem with my passport or my Russian visa.

I never had a bag lost or stolen.

I never had a gadget lost, stolen or broken, and remember, I was carrying a big expensive camera, two lenses for that camera, two handheld portable gaming devices, a phone, a laptop, a mouse, a keyboard, headphones, etc.the_fortress

And now I’m home.  Actually, I’ve been home a week.  I’m mostly glad to be home.

I have felt a bit weird, though.  I’ve felt a bit disoriented, sometimes a bit blue.  I’ve been tired and uninspired.  Some.  A lot of this I think I can mark down to jet lag, but there’s also simply trip lag.  Being away from home for twelve full weeks is pretty extreme. blue building

Reentry into my apartment was made even odder by the fact that I’m now the only person living here.  My roommate of four years moved out while I was gone.  This sounds a lot more dramatic than it is.  I knew Steve was moving, and moved on perfectly good terms.  He never intended to stay here for four years when I invited him to stay with me when he was unfairly kicked from his longtime apartment in 2007.  He’s been a great roommate.

wide_shotIn fact, there’s some symmetry here, because Steve moved in in March 2007 while I was traveling in Asia for the same client I was in Europe for when he moved out.  It’s a little like Mary Poppins coming and going when the wind changes in a certain way.

the_hills_are_aliveAnother thought I’ve had a lot over the last week is that I’m basically at home wherever I am.  In this sense, as horribly pretentious as I’m sure it sounds, I’m really a citizen of the planet.  I’m happy to be back home in LA, but in some ways it’s just the next place I’m hanging my hat.  This is not a bad thing.chaplin_and_jones_fan

I’m so grateful for the gift of this trip.  I’m grateful to the client that made it possible, and for all the colleagues along the way that made the project such a pleasure to work on.  I’m so thrilled to have had the opportunity to see so many beautiful and fascinating new places.

I’m also extremely grateful to you, Dear Reader, for taking this journey with me! 

bright_colored_buildings

Books Read on the Trip

  • Arthur and George by Julian Barnes
  • Zoe’s Tale by John Scalzi
  • The Water Babies by Charles Kingsleychrist_the_redeemer
  • Riding the Bullet by Stephen King
  • The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterling
  • On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
  • The Stollen Bacillus and Other Stories by H.G. Wells
  • The Reluctant Mr. Darwin by David Quammen
  • Role Models by John Watersgargoyles_reaching_out
  • Born Standing Up by Steve Martin
  • 50 Reasons People Give For Believing in a God by Guy P. Harrison
  • Eiger Dreams:  Ventures Among Men and Mountains by Jon Krakauer
  • Three Cups of Deceit by Jon Krakauer
  • Iron Kingdom:  The Rise and Downfall of Prussia 1600-1947
  • You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to the Coffee Shop by John Scalzi
  • This Will Change Everything by John Brockman
  • A Fist in the Hornet’s Nest by Richard Engel
  • The Epoch Index by Christian Cantrelldo ray mi
  • Venom by Christian Cantrell
  • Fallen Dragon by Peter F. Hamilton
  • Mysterium by Robert Charles Wilson
  • The Perseids by Robert Charles Wilson
  • The President’s Brain is Missing by John Scalzi
  • Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett
  • Reaper Man by Terry Pratchettgold_domes_3
  • Starbound by Joe Haldeman
  • Little Fuzzy by H. Beam Piper
  • The Frozen Sky by Jeff Carlson
  • Out of the Black by Lee Doty

 

That’s twenty-nine books.  Go Kindle.

girl_and_dog

Cities Visited (Total:  20)

  • Ohio
  • Clevelandleuven_townhouses
  • Toledo
  • Pennsylvania
  • Pittsburgh
  • New York
  • New York
  • New Jersey
  • New Brunswick
  • Belgium
  • Brussels
  • Bruges
  • Ghentlovers_3
  • Leuven
  • France
  • Paris
  • Lithuania
  • Vilnius
  • Trakai
  • Germany
  • Berlin
  • Potsdam
  • Munich
  • Austria
  • Salzburg
  • Russian Federationonion_dome
  • Moscow
  • St. Petersburg
  • Estonia
  • Tallinn
  • Finland
  • Helsinki

 Countries visited:  9peace_angel

 Number of Airplanes:  13

 Number of Trains:  6

 Number of Buses:  2

 Number of Rental Cars:  1

 Number of Private Cars:  5

 Number of Different Hotel Rooms:  15

 Number of Tours:  10

 Number of Segways:  2

willow 

Number of Falls from Segways:  1

leuven_tulips

 Massages:  4

mourner

 Ethnic Cuisine Restaurants:  9

  • Mexican
  • Italianon_the_neva
  • Indian
  • Uzbek
  • Israeli
  • German
  • Austrian
  • Flemish
  • Finnish

Passport Stamps:  4

st_basilthe_family

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the_castletriumph

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Helsinki/Munich/Los Angeles
June 4, 2011 

Distance Traveled Today: 6, 952 miles

Total Distance Traveled for the Trip:  19, 608

Vesa and I helped start the Shadowland Theater in Ellenville, New York, twenty-six years ago, and the theater is a thriving Equity house today.
Vesa and I helped start the Shadowland Theater in Ellenville, New York, twenty-six years ago, and the theater is a thriving Equity house today.

I’m a bit over an our into my twelve hour final flight home.

It’s a very long day in every sense of the word.  First of all, in terms of hours, it’s literally a long day:  thirty-four hours, to be exact.  Even weirder, at least twenty-five of those hours will be in sunlight.

Travel time from door to door:  about twenty-six hours. 

Why so long?  Well, because I’m a stupid airline ticket buyer, that’s why.  Back in March, when I was building this enormous itinerary on Expedia, I was so addled with excitement at the idea of getting to go to Russia that I just wanted the tickets reserved and bought.  So I didn’t notice one pertinent fact about my flight home to Los Angeles from Helsinki:  Not only did it start very early (the flight left at 6:55 a.m.), but it included a seven hour layover in Munich.  When I noticed this it was too late to change it, thanks a lot, Expedia.

Helsinki's stunning Lutheran Cathedral dominates Senate Square
Helsinki's stunning Lutheran Cathedral dominates Senate Square

Anyway, it was surprisingly easy to pleasantly spend all day in the Munich airport.  I had a massage, snacked, played (or attempted to play) The Temple of Elemental Evil on the laptop, and just generally explored the airport. 

Monumental figures carved into the facade of the main train station.
Monumental figures carved into the facade of the main train station.

Now that the trip is ending I feel it’s appropriate to revisit the goals I layed down on the first Day 1 o so long ago:

Goals For My Eleven Week Globetrotting Work Trip

  1.  Endeavor to not merely look, but to See.
  2. Write as much as possible.
  3. Take as many good photographs as possible.
  4. Try to find Mexican food in every city I’m in.
  5. Try to go to the movies in every city I’m in.
  6. Try to return from the trip thinner than when I left.

 

How did I do?  I’ll take them out of order.waterfront buildings

Write as much as possible.  I’d have to say this was the goal I was most successful at, and feel the best about.  Writing this travel diary has been a big project, and has taken up a non-trivial amount of time during the trip.  But it’s been worth it.  I’m a very lazy writer and I was interested to see if I could muster up the discipline to faithfully write about the trip on a daily basis.  And I have!  At over one hundred pages, it’s the longest thing I’ve ever written, for better or worse.

Try to find Mexican food in every city I’m in.  Did pretty well on this one:

Cities In Which I Found and Enjoyed Mexican Food on the Trip

  • Toledo, Ohio
  • Cleveland, Ohio
  • New York, New York
  • Brussels, Belgium
  • Paris, France
  • Vilnius, Lithuania
  • Berlin, Germany
  • Munich, Germany
  • Moscow, Russian Federation
  • St. Petersburg, Russian Federation
  • Tallinn, Estonia
  • Helsinki, Finland

 

I hasten to add that I didn’t always find good Mexican food, but good was not a requirement.

Try to go to the movies in every city I’m in.  Not bad, not great.  It’s always a challenge in a foreign country finding a) a movie presented in English that b) I am interested in seeing and c) haven’t already seen.  But I did my best.

Helsinki's orthodox cathedral
Helsinki's orthodox cathedral

Movies I Saw on the Trip

  • The Adjustment Bureau (Cleveland)
  • Rubber (Cleveland)
  • Insidious (Cleveland)
  • Connected (Cleveland)
  • Limitless (Cleveland)
  • The Lincoln Lawyer (Cleveland)
  • Source Code (New York)
  • Of Gods and Men (New York)
  • Route Irish (Brussels)
  • Water for Elephants (Vilnius)
  • Thor (Berlin)
  • Life in a Day (Moscow)
  • The Hangover II (Tallinn)

 

Take as Many Good Photographs as Possible.  I’m so glad I decided to go to the trouble of taking my new camera on the trip.  I enjoyed it very much, and I’m thrilled with the variety of subjects I had the opportunity to photograph, happy with many of the images I got, and very happy with a few of them.  I’ll pull my favorites and post them in a group on Facebook shortly.

Return from the trip thinner than when I left.  Alas, on this one, it’s Europe:1, Ivey:0.  The first order of business upon my return is to get to work shedding the Europounds.

Endeavor to not merely look, but to see.  I’m not convinced I was successful at this one much. I have a strong tendency to see what I expect to see.  Having the camera helped, though, if only in providing negative lessons.  There were several potentially wonderful pictures that I failed to get becauseI wasn’t quick enough and/or I hesitated to talk to strangers.  More, perhaps, on this later.

Average Rating: 4.9 out of 5 based on 221 user reviews.

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Helsinki
June 3, 2011 

Train station tower
Train station tower

Had a very pleasant Gulf of Finland crossing yesterday on the Tallink ferry Superstar.  I spent as much time as I could stand on the open deck, but brr!  Damn, if it’s this cold in the middle of a sunny day in June, what must it be like in January?

I got very little sleep last night at the lovely St. Olav Hotel.  It was very hot and the street was very loud.

Perhaps because of that, or perhaps just because of my general travel weariness, but when I landed in my lovely hotel room in Helsinki, I just hit the tourist wall.  I took a nap, and headed outside armed with my map and my walking tour.  And I just couldn’t make any headway. 

The famous "Dawn" statute. It was originally part of a pair, but sadly the "Tony Orlando" portion was destroyed during the War.
The famous "Dawn" statute. It was originally part of a pair, but sadly the "Tony Orlando" portion was destroyed during the War.

And that’s okay.  I have to say I’ve had really, really good Tourist Endurance during this twelve week trip.  It’s okay if on one day I simply don’t feel like exploring a foreign city.  Tomorrow I’m having lunch with an old acting friend, and perhaps I’ll feel fresher then.

It’s certainly not Helsinki’s fault.  It’s beautiful.  And the men . .  oh my.  Everywhere I look I see strapping, sturdy, handsome young men, some blond, some not-quite-as-blond.  It’s as if the city has been overrun by a convention of Midwest college football players.  This is not a complaint.  I’d love to be able to spend some time here and do some serious photography.

Places I’ve Hit the Tourist Wall

  • Helsinki
  • Paris
  • Rome

family in the park

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Tallinn / Helsinki
June 2, 2011 

Distance Traveled Today: 50 miles

Distance Traveled So Far: 12, 656

Foggy Tallinn morning
Foggy Tallinn morning

It’s so considerate when relatives bring fabulous people into the family.  I’ll always be indebted to my cousin John for giving us Milana.  She and I just hit it off the first time we met, and we’ve been great pals ever since.

Last glance at Tallinn before heading across the Baltic for Finland.
Last glance at Tallinn before heading across the Baltic for Finland.

We had a wonderful day here in Tallinn.

Very puzzling ad copy in a poster for the ferry line. I think their translator needs to work just a little harder before I have positive emotions about this ad.
Very puzzling ad copy in a poster for the ferry line. I think their translator needs to work just a little harder before I have positive emotions about this ad.

First we climbed back up to the Upper Old Town to see a couple of beautiful churches and a couple of spectacular views.  The Catholic church is interesting because it’s almost exclusively decorated with dozens of huge, ornate and beautiful coats of arms from , we assumed, rich noble families.  We then winded our way through parks down to McDonalds where we fortified ourselves with fountain caffeinated sodas.

Helsinki from the water
Helsinki from the water

Near the edge of the Old Town was my favorite church, a soaring but spare and simple structure from the late 19th century.

After that we spent the afternoon on the top deck of tour buses traipsing all around Greater Tallinn, learning all about the city throughout its long (and rather titanic) history.  Sitting on a tour bus listening to a canned audio tour probably sounds like hell on earth to some, but it’s the type of square, traditional touristy activity that I actually love.[1]

In both Estonia and Finland, live theater is a very big deal.
In both Estonia and Finland, live theater is a very big deal.

After that we went to a mall where I got in trouble for taking photos (why?) and then we had some Estonian Mexican food (Milana is a very good sport about indulging my Mexican food fetish). 

Then it was movie time.  Unfortunately, we saw The Hangover 2, a cynical and unfunny money-grab.  I should have known better.  But the first one was legitimately funny. This one was a bore.  Ken Jeong did what he could to add some humor, and I must say that Ang Lee’s son seems to have some real screen presence.  But the movie is awful.  It also confirms my lack of interest in ever visiting Bankok.

Milana and I are on a streak of seeing indifferent or bad movies together.  In May we saw Water For Elephants in Vilnius (yawn) and last September we saw Wall Street:  Money Never Sleeps in New York (yawn yawn).

I walked Milana back to her hotel and we had to say our goodbyes, as we both had to pack and be up early for our departures the next morning.

Reasons I Think Bradley Cooper is a Good Actor

  • ….uh, who CARES?  Have you SEEN HIM?

more from the port

 

[1] I actually took the tour of the U.S. Mint when I was in Denver and I loved it.

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 178 user reviews.

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Tallinn
June 1, 2011

Yesterday had three Pieces Parts[1] and two of them were dandy.

My beautiful "sister-in-law" Milana
My beautiful "sister-in-law" Milana

For the first part of the day I took myself on a walking tour of Tallinn that I got off the interwebs.

After a few minutes at the ferry disaster memorial and then walked through the gate at Fat Matilda Tower into the Lower Town portion of the Old Town.  Old Tallinn is really two towns : The lower town inhabited by the prosperous Hanseatic traders and the upper town where the Estonian locals who worked for the traders lived.  The Old Town is wonderfully well preserved.

Night shot
Night shot

Part 2 of my first day in Tallinn began when Milana met me at my hotel in the afternoon.  Milana, you may remember, is my cousin John’s wife.  They live in Vilnius, Lithuania, but lived here in Tallinn for about a year a few years ago.  Milana decided, much to my delight, to take a tiny vacation and spend a couple of days with me here.  It’s the first time she’s been away from her new baby Vivienne, so it’s a pretty big deal!  John and I consider each other a third brother and so Milana, who I’ve known for over a decade, feels like a sister-in-law.  She and I discussed this yesterday and she agreed that “My Cousin’s Wife” didn’t really adequately explain our very affectionate relationship.  I told her I was just going to start referring to her as my sister-in-law.

rehearsal
rehearsal

We had a wonderful afternoon traipsing around town.  We climbed the very tall tower of the Baptist church as the harbor side of Old Town to get a breathtaking series of views.  This Church has a dark history, as the Soviets used it during their occupation of Estonia to block television signals coming in from Finland.   Now the Baptists use it to talk an invisible character from a Bronze Age book of myths.  I leave you to judge which is the more reprehensible.

Sad.
Sad.

Okay, now to Part 3.  I’m going to try to dispense with this unpleasant conclusion to the day as economically as possible.  We were to have dinner with a mutual friend.  I do not know what is going on with this mutual friend, nor do I really care, but he was supposed to pick us up and take us to this cool seafood restaurant out in the country.  He finally showed up, two hours late, drunk as a skunk, with his appalled ten year old daughter in tow.  We had actually given up on him and gone to a local Italian restaurant, but he regrettably followed us there.  The dinner that followed was . . . unpleasant.

Old Town from the port
Old Town from the port

pink_palaceAlthough everyone knows I am a teetotaler, I am not opposed to the consumption of alcohol by those who enjoy it. This being said, I have no interest in spending time with drunks.  Drunks are boring and pushy.  They suck all of the oxygen out of the room.  This dude was rude and aggressive and it was all extremely uncomfortable and I thought it would never end.  We finally escaped at almost midnight (that is to say, dusk).  Bleh.

Anyway, we’re done with him.  I must wrap this up because I’m expecting Milana any minute!

A Partial List of the Cities My Cousin John and His Wife Milana Have Lived During John’s Crazy Career[2]

  • Prague
  • Budapest
  • Warsaw
  • Frankfurt
  • Tallinn
  • Vilnius
Estonian street gang
Estonian street gang
I tried to read the menu in this restaurant, but it was harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.
I tried to read the menu in this restaurant, but it was harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.
[1] And parts is parts, right?

[2] I am very likely leaving somewhere out.

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