

Ray Gently Debriefs the Republican Party
Morning, Republican Party. Thanks for coming. Have a seat. Can I get you some coffee? Tea? How about a joint? Sorry, a little joke lol.
I won’t keep you long. I just want to make sure you understand what happened yesterday. Yes, I know it was a very upsetting day for you all around. Yes, we can wait a moment. No problem. Do you need a tissue?
Okay. So here goes.
I want to help you, Republican Party. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes in 2016 that you made yesterday.
It’s important that you understand that your Angry White Man Anti-Gay Anti-Woman Anti-Immigrant Anti-Anything-That’s-Not-Your-Brand-of-Christian Anti-Science Anti-Fact campaign, which came very close to winning yesterday, will never come this close to winning ever again in a National Election.
I’ll explain.
Let’s take those stances in reverse order.
THE ANTI-FACT THING.
Let’s look to history for a little perspective. When Bill Clinton was President, you HATED him. But the things you went after him for were actual things. Whitewater was an actual situation. Travelgate was actually based on a real incident. Clinton’s roving genitals were a REAL problem. Next, during the Bush years, our people hated Bush, but we went after his REAL failings: A trumped up phony war, the treasonous outing of an acting CIA operative, clueless economic policies.
All that changed when it appeared during the Democratic primary process that The Magic Negro was overtaking lefty favorite Hillary Clinton. From that moment, until the present day, you have engaged in a shameless campaign of fabrication about Barack Obama. You’ve branded him a Kenyan, a Muslim, a Nazi, a Socialist, a Communist. You have claimed he’s after your guns. You’ve claimed that he’s after your religious freedom. It was all lies, and despite the best efforts of Fox News, yesterday you were shown that…
AMERICA DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.
THE ANTI-SCIENCE THING/THE ANTI-ANY BRAND OF CHRISTIANITY BUT YOUR OWN THING
Global warming is real. Women’s bodies don’t have magic Rape Sperm Detectors. It’s not curtailing your religious freedom when the law prevents you from discriminating against other people or trying to impose your religious ideas on other people.
Perhaps the biggest mistake you made in this area was your cynical and transparently hypocritical embrace of Mitt Romney as a “good Christian.” He’s not a Christian. He’s a Mormon, and if you’d turned Fox News off for five minutes and done just a tiny bit of reading about the Mormon church, you would know that this man believes stuff even YOU would consider wacky. And yet you branded Obama, who’s an ACTUAL Christian, a Muslim. Again, if you knew four atoms worth of facts about Islam, you’d know there’s no such thing as a “stealth Muslim.” No President would be able to hide the fact that he prays towards Mecca five times a day and keeps a halal kitchen in the White House (look it up).
Scariest of all, guess what the fastest-growing religious demographic in our country is? Yep, it’s us non-religious folks. We’re gaining ground at a dizzying pace, as young people reject the Bronze Age superstitions of their parents. In every election going forward, the “Christian” base you think you can play to is going to be a smaller and smaller slice of the electoral pie.
But you tried to sell all this nonsense to the American People and ….
AMERICA DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.
THE ANTI-IMMIGRANT THING.
Bush got 40% of the Hispanic vote! McCain got 30%. Guess how much Romney got last night? 20%. Yeah. It turns out all those Hispanic voters were listening when you spewed all that anti-immigrant hate, and as a consequence…
AMERICA DIDN’T’ FALL FOR IT.
THE ANTI-WOMEN THING
Romney was TROUNCED by women voters last night. And two of the most notorious Republican lawmakers who made stupid and hateful remarks about rape were defeated as well. It turns out, women DO vote in this country. And they’re not going to vote for you if you don’t think they know when they’ve been raped, and you don’t think they own their own bodies.
You counted on women, and people who LIKE women (like me) to hate the Black Nazi more than they loved themselves, but…
AMERICA DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.
THE ANTI-GAY THING
This one must REALLY chap your ass, because it’s been such a bountiful Golden Goose for soooooo long. In days gone by, you could whip up your electorate by spreading lies about gay people for free. No more. When the President came out for equality for gay people, it HELPED him, it didn’t bury him. Your candidate, on the other hand, maintained a position that no longer reflects a majority of the American public: He supported an amendment to the U.S. Constitution which would have made gay people second class citizens forever.
Even more dramatic, America elected its first openly gay senator last night. And in an unprecedented series of victories, marriage equality was on the ballot in four states and WON IN ALL FOUR STATES. So there. Gay people are here to stay, my homophobic Republican friend. You tried to demonize us once again, but…
AMERICA DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.
THE ANGRY WHITE GUY THING
This one is probably the hardest one for you to take. But please understand the reality of the situation. This was the LAST presidential election in our history in which white voters are the majority. Which means the blaring voices of your Tea Party are going to grow dimmer and dimmer in the coming years. You counted on xenophobic white guys to clinch the election for you, but…
AMERICA DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.
For four years, your entire focus has been on making sure Barack Obama was a one-term President. Not on making the country better, not on creating jobs, not on expanding freedom. You’ve been obsessed, like a stalker, at neutralizing The Magic Negro.
To defeat him, you nominated, by default, a Rich White Empty Suit. A man so conviction-free that if he had won it would have been essentially having a lobbyist for President. A man more comfortable with lying than I am with sitting through double features. A man you KNEW wasn’t really a good man. You just thought he might be an ELECTABLE man. It was a cynical move on your part, and you’ve paid the price.
All of your lies, and all of your billions of Rich White Guy dollars, didn’t work yesterday.
Now that you’ve utterly failed, I hope you decide to find some wisdom in this failure.
I hope you come back in 2016 with something better than the Klown Kar of crazy candidates you had this time. I hope you start ignoring the crazier members of your party. I hope you decide to grow up and embrace policies that actually benefit the middle class.
While you’re casting about for new techniques, I discourage you from studying the Democrats. We really kind of suck at politics. We did not do a very good job at selling the President’s many accomplishments during this campaign. We only won because we had the better candidate.
So, in closing, I’d like to thank you, Republican Party. Thanks for the enormous stimulus package your rich sugar daddies just infused into the economy. Thanks for being my fellow Americans. I want America to be a great place for you just like I want it to be a great place for me. We’re all in this together.
Now get out of my office. I’ve got a conference call with Lady Gaga, Cris Kluwe and Elizabeth Warren in a minute.
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