Category Archives: Pronouncements

Minutia of My Fascinating Life, Pronouncements, Spring Forward, Theater, Travel
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New York
April 12, 2011

Alma Mater

I graduated from this school thirty years ago this month, back when still had hopes and dreams and a waistline and my original cardiac arterial connections.
I graduated from this school thirty years ago this month, back when still had hopes and dreams and a waistline and my original cardiac arterial connections.

Today I passed my old Alma Mater, The American Academy of Dramatic Arts, on Madison Avenue.  I decided to step in and just look around.  I was met by a receptionist who wanted to know what the hell I was doing there.  “I graduated from here exactly thirty years ago, ” I said.  “Really?” She replied.  “Today is graduation day, as a matter of fact.”

I looked around at all the kids in their neatly pressed suits and dresses, having just returned from the stage of the Majestic Theater on Broadway where their ceremony had been held.  I should have asked who the speaker had been.  In April of 1981, when I graduated on the set of Deathtrap at the Music Box Theater, the speakers had been Jessica Tandy, Hume Cronyn and silent screen legend Lillian Gish. 

Today’s graduates looked predictably happy, tired and excited.  I sure hoped they were smarter than I was thirty years ago.  I stifled the impulse to collar some of them and give them some unsolicited advice.

Then I realized the person I really wanted to give advice to was my young, stupid, callow, naïve, hopeful 1981 self.  What I really wanted was to jump into a time machine, just for five minutes, and MAKE my 21-year old self listen to some wise words from his future self.

Here’s What I’d Tell My Stupid 21-Year Old 1981 Just-Graduated From Acting School Self

  1. Either get out of show business right now or get a lot smarter about it immediately.
  2. Come out of the damn closet already.  There’s no prize for who stays in the longest.[1]
  3. Low carb, low carb, low carb, low carb, low carb.
  4. Resist the impulse to take Meridia without a doctor’s supervision.
  5. Learn about your credit rating.  Treat it like your first born child.
  6. Credit cards are The Devil.
  7. It’s not too late to make friends with your own body.  Do anything you have to to achieve this.
  8. Did I mention low carb?
  9. You’re skinnier and better looking than you think you are.
  10. Investigate the new and growing world of computer and video gaming.  It might be a better career path than acting.
  11. Like the song says, enjoy yourself, but always remember:  it’s later than you think.
We're very serious at Ground Zero.
We're very serious at Ground Zero.

 

Friends for thirty-two years. I'm lucky they'll still hang out with me. But then, they don't have to do it very often.
Friends for thirty-two years. I'm lucky they'll still hang out with me. But then, they don't have to do it very often.

 

I wonder if I would have listened?

 

[1] But wait about three years before you start having sex.  There’s a scourge coming and it’ll be a little while before they know how you can avoid it.

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New York
April 6, 2011

Soapbox Alert:  You Have Entered a No Boredom Zone!

Few things get me madder quicker than “boredom.”  I enclose that word in quotation marks because, to be specific, it’s when other people use the word to describe their state of mind that I get pig-biting mad.

Bored?  Really? 

In my mind, being bored more than once or twice a year is unacceptable.  The world is too interesting a place.  “Boredom” is born of laziness and lack of imagination.

Baby, I'm bored.
Baby, I'm bored.

Life is too short, and there are too many cool things to do and discover, for boredom to be a regular occurrence in your life.

Of course, there are a few exceptions.

It is Permissible For You to be Bored if . . .

  • you are blind and deaf
  • you actually incarcerated (in a facility which does not contain a lending library)
  • you are ill or severely injured
  • you are actually dead

 

Don’t find yourself on the list above?  Then you don’t get to be bored, Sparky.

I am lazy and I have no brain!
I am lazy and I have no brain!

Perhaps this is a new concept for you.  If so, I am thrilled to report that I can help.

Things to Try if You are Bored

1.  Pick up a book. 

 Books.  You remember them?  They’re everywhere, thanks to Mr. Gutenberg.  And Amazon.  I don’t even care what kind of book you read.  I’m not a snob.  Read Danielle Steele, for all I care.  That chick must be able to tell a good story, considering all the units she’s moved.  Read Stephen King.  Read trash.  I don’t care.  I’ll bet you don’t even have a library card.  Why don’t you?  Libraries are great.  They let you borrow books for free, it’s crazy.  Or for that matter, it doesn’t even have to be a book.  Read a magazine.  Check out all those fabled “good articles” in Playboy. Or Cosmo.  Or National Geographic.  Or, hell, Maxim (which, of course, could have the added benefit of learning how to please her in bed three ways at the same time!‼).  I don’t care if you’re reading the back of a cereal box.  Just read something.  And if you can’t find anything you like to read, you’ve got bigger problems than boredom, pal.

2.  Do a chore. 

One of the main reasons you don’t want to clean your apartment, or work on your taxes, or wash your dog, is that there’s something else you’d rather do.  If you’re bored, then, by definition, there’s nothing particular that you feel like doing.  Perfect time to clean the underside of your platform bed!  [PS I learned this one from my wise grandmother, whose now an even wiser 98 years old.]

3.  Get out of your comfort zone.

Maybe you need to try something you don’t usually do.  Take a samba class.  Watch a sport you don’t think you like.  Sleep with someone who’s a different age/race/sex/religion than you usually hook up with.  Try a food you don’t think you like.  Take a drive to a part of town you never go to.

4.  Volunteer.

If you’re not doing anything, you might has well stuff envelopes, right?

5.  Play a video game.

Seriously.  If you have never tried them, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Find a genre of game you like, and boredom will be a thing of the past.

Finally, if you feel seriously bored frequently, it could be a sign that you suffer from clinical depression, in which case you need to seek help.

But if you’re healthy, and reasonably mobile, and aren’t in solitary confinement:  I don’t want to hear about how bored you are.

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Food For Thought, Pronouncements, Spring Forward, Travel
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New York
April 4, 2011

The Genius of American Food

All you have to do to appreciate the wonder of American food is to travel abroad.  No, I’m not kidding.

Don’t get me wrong.  I adored the food in Italy.  Who wouldn’t?  The eats in Japan were wondrous.  And don’t get me started on Mexico.

Food of the Gods
Food of the Gods

But.  There’s one thing factor that makes food in America consistently fun:  The fact that we’re mongrels.  Mutts.  We’re from everywhere and we’ve interbred like crazy.  This leads toall sorts of innovations, not the least of which can be found in our cuisine.

Best. Sandwich. Evar.
Best. Sandwich. Evar.

Back to Italy.  Yep, the pasta Bolognese I ate there was heaven.  Ditto the homeade ravioli.  However, as perfect these classic dishes were, they was the same in every ristorante that I went to.  The recipes had been canonized long ago, polished to a high sheen like pebbles polished in one of those tumblers we had as kids.

Not in the good ol’ U.S. of A.  Here were not afraid to toss things together.  Things that, at first glance, would seem to not go together at all. 

Buffalo chicken meatloaf yay!
Buffalo chicken meatloaf yay!

Case in point:  Barbeque Chicken Pizza.  Now a staple in restaurants and pizzerias here, this is a dish that could never have been invente in Europe.  No way, no how.  Same with fajitas.  Buffalo wings.  The bread bowl.  Potato chips.

And the lunchtime wonder I had yesterday.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present:  Buffalo Chicken Meatloaf.  What a great fucking idea.  What a great way to freshen up a venerable, but tired, traditional dish.  This is something I’m going to try making as soon as I’m back in my kitchen.

Other Notable American-Born Dishes

  • Smores
  • Peanut butter
  • Graham Crackers
  • Pumpkin pie
  • Corn bread
  • Corn Dogs
  • Toll House Cookies
  • Cobb Salad
  • The Reuben
  • Cookie Dough Ice Cream
  • Chinese Chicken Salad

    Smores!
    Peanut Butter Smores!

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April 1, 2011

Cleveland – New York

Distance traveled today:  445

Distance traveled so far:  2760

Very happy to be heading off to New York!  It’s such a rare treat to be sent to New York on a project, since there are lots of contractors there who usually get those assignments.

I have had my tickets for The Book of Mormon for months.  mormon on broadwayIt’s the new Broadway musical written by one of the Avenue Q guys and the two South Park guys.  So looking forward to that.  Obviously I hope to have some quality time with friends as well.  I need to watch my budget a bit and not just go dropping $125 for every damn show that I want to see in New York.

Broadway Shows I Saw When I Was in New York Last September

  • Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson
  • Next to Normal
  • Brief Encounter

New York will probably be an even more challenging place to stay on a good eating regimen than Cleveland has been.  In fact, as far as food goes, as I look at my itinerary for the remainder of the trip, it appears that eating low carb is going to get progressively more difficult.  (Picture me attempting to order low-carb in Russia.)  I’ll just have to do the best I can on that score. 

On the other hand, balancing out the food peril is the fact that the deeper I get into my trip, the more likely it is that I’ll be doing an increasing amount of walking.  The weather should be getting better and better, and the sun will be up later and later.  Eventually, when I’m in Russia in May, the sun will be up until almost midnight!  I imagine I’ll be spending less and less time huddling in my hotel room, like I’ve been doing a lot of in frigid Cleveland.

Spa Cuisine?
Spa Cuisine?

However, I’ve been trying to be good about exercise.  I’ve been using the gym pretty regularly.  I even swam laps on Monday night – and there’s a pool at my New York hotel as well.

The other night I pushed over 300 lbs on the leg press during my workout.  Not too bad for an fat old guy.

Everyone knows fitness is my life.
Everyone knows fitness is my life.

Here’s to hoping that exercise will help stave off the effects of pretzels, bon bons, blini and borscht!

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Cleveland

Soap Box Alert!!

Two of my sisters have accused me of being a very black-and-white person.  And this is probably true.  I’ve tried in recent years to embrace the shades of gray a little bit more, but on some subjects I find I am unable to.

These affidavits stipulate that their brother Ray is always correct on all matters.
These affidavits stipulate that their brother Ray is always correct on all matters.

The main one being whether or not I am a full citizen of this country.

I will fully and freely confess to being guilty of black-and-white thinking on this topic. 

To be sure, gay rights have come a million miles in my lifetime, and that’s fantastic.  But until we have marriage we will remain second-class citizens.

I find I am growing quite weary of the entire argument.  We either have the same rights as everyone else or we don’t.

Let’s break down the classic arguments against marriage equality:

1.  The Bible defines marriage as one man and one woman.

Absolutely, positively untrue.  The Bible defines marriage in many ways.  Usually it’s a union between a man and several women.  In the case of the Abraham (the original patriarch of Judaism, Christianity AND Islam) it was between a man and his sister.  In most of the Bible, women are property.  And divorce is mostly forbidden.

And even if the Bible actually DID define marriage this way  So what?!  Our country is based on The Constitution, not the Bible.  Would you really like our laws to reflect Biblical rules and regulations?  Are you ready for shellfish and cheeseburgers to be illegal?  How red dresses, talking back to your parents, or masturbation?  And, of course, if we’re going to be Biblical, then slavery will have to become legal again.  If you go around claiming our laws should be this way because that’s how it is in the Bible, if you cherry pick the scriptures and leave out the stuff that would be inconvenient to you, you’re a big fat hypocrite.

2.  Why can’t gays be satisfied with Civil Unions?

Two reasons:

First, a little US Supreme Court decision in 1954 called Brown vs. the Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas.  It established once and for all that “separate but equal” is unconstitutional.  So even if marriage and civil unions were exactly equal, this would still be unacceptable.

But civil unions and marriage are NOT equal.  Not even close.  Many of the most important rights and responsibilities in marriage are federal, and civil unions do not bring any of these protections.  So this is still second class citizenship.

3.  We shouldn’t redefine marriage.

The same religious rhetoric, word for word, was used against the legalization of interracial marriage.
The same religious rhetoric, word for word, was used against the legalization of interracial marriage.

Hogwash.  We’ve done it countless times throughout history.  Marriage used to be an exchange of property (a daughter) between one man and another.  Until fairly recently, it was for life (no divorce).  Then divorce was only allowed in the case of adultery.  Then we further redefined marriage with the concept (in many states) of “no-fault” divorce.  Even more recently, laws banning interracial marriage were struck down. 

4.  Gay marriage will destroy “the sanctity” of marriage.

This is wrong on so many levels.

First of all, “sanctity”?  Really?  Do you think all three of Newt Gingrich’s marriages were sacred?  How about Britney Spears’ 40-hour marriage?  If you are really, REALLY concerned about the sanctity of marriage, why aren’t you picketing to take away the civil rights of people who practice The Divorce Lifestyle?  If you aren’t, and yet you oppose gay marriage on “sanctity” grounds, you are a big fat hypocrite.

Finally, you don’t think that gay people treasure their unions just as much as straight people do?  The idea that they somehow don’t is pure homophobia.

5.  Kids need a mom and a dad.

Really?  So why is single parenthood legal?  Why is it legal for two people who have no intention of procreating to get married?  Why is it legal for people who cannot have children to get married?  If you’re going to play the children card, and you don’t call for any marriage that isn’t about to produce children to be illegal, you are a big fat hypocrite.

Beside, EVERY study coming down the pike shows that kids with two loving parents do well, and that the sexual orientation of those two parents is irrelevant.

6.  Gay parents will raise gay children.

Really?  All of my parents are straight.  My dad is straight, and three of the four children he raised are gay.  Hmm.

7.  We live in a democracy.  In state after state, the voters have said NO to gay marriage.

So what?  Civil rights can’t be taken away by a bullying majority.  At least, not forever.  That’s what courts are FOR.  If the majority ruled on issues of civil rights, black people might still have to ride on the back of the bus in the south.  Sometimes the majority is WRONG.

8.  This will lead to people wanting to marry their dogs and their toasters.

No, it won’t.  Neither a dog nor a toaster is a legal consenting adult.

And then there’s possibly the most offensive one of all:

9.  Forcing gay marriage on us restricts my religious freedom.

Really?  How?  No one is going to make you marry someone of the same sex.  And if you think your religious freedom is being restricted because you have to live in a country that has gay marriage, then, well, get over it.  How about the religious freedom of all the millions of Christians to DO support gay marriage?  Doesn’t their religious freedom count as well?

 

Here’s the thing:  When I think about the 1950s, when there was so very little accurate information about homosexuality out there, and so many lies about it being propagated, it’s kind of understandable when you think about how homophobic people were.  Most people really didn’t know any better. 

It's Adam and Steve! Get over it, and get used to it.
It's Adam and Steve! Get over it, and get used to it.

But today people know different.  People know better.  People know their gay friends and neighbors are not monsters.   Many people know gay couples.  A growing number of Americans know gay couples with children.

So if you know gay people, if you have gay friends, or a gay cousin, and you like to say you’re not homophobic, and then you go down to the polls and vote against gay marriage, please understand that you are a bigot, pure and simple.  You are like the Southern wife in 1960 who would talk about how much she “loves” her housekeeper, while still supporting segregation.  If that Southerner didn’t want her black maid to have civil rights, then guess what?  She DIDN’T love her.  And if you don’t shout and stamp your feet and vote in support of the absolute full citizenship of your gay friends, brothers, uncles and co-workers, then you do not really care about us.

And if that’s a black and white attitude, Donna and Rachel:  SUE ME.  🙂

FINAL NOTE:  If you’ve read this far, thanks!  And if you’re still unsure about this issue even after my pithy arguments, take a minute and check out Prop 8: The Musical and this stunning testimony by Zach Wahls, a young man with two mothers.

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Cleveland

Got that Switched-On Cleveland Feeling

Everyone knows I love to travel for work.  I love almost everything about it:  the change of pace, the change of scenery, meeting new people.  I love cities and I love having the chance to explore different ones.

Whenever I’m in a city for work, I usually spend most of my time downtown, because that’s generally where the office of the client is and where my hotel is.  This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on the city.  Some places have downtowns that are fun and vibrant. 

You can feel the excitement in the air even as you pull into the parking lot of the Severance Town Center.
You can feel the excitement in the air even as you pull into the parking lot of the Severance Town Center.

Some don’t.

Which brings me to Cleveland.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I’m sure there are nice parts of Cleveland.  But downtown ain’t one of them.  It’s pretty much desolation city. 

Today I took an excursion out to Cleveland Heights to see two movies that weren’t playing at the creepy downtown cinema that’s the only one within walking distance of my hotel. 

I am confident that I am the Caucasionist person who has ever attempted to use public transportation in Central Cleveland.  Didn’t bother me of course, but I did notice it.  Between waiting for the train and the bus it took me an hour and a half to get to my destination, but it was worth it.  The movies were fun.

The bustle of the mall inside gets you into the festive mood!
The bustle of the mall inside gets you into the festive mood!

The areas I went through to get to the multiplex weren’t terribly encouraging, though.  It does look like Cleveland is having a hard time.

///

The first movie I saw today was The Lincoln Lawyer.  I was apprehensive about this film for two reasons.  First, the only other adaptation of a Michael Connelly novel that I have seen – Clint Eastwood’s Blood Work – was awful.  It looked like a bad episode of “Mannix, ” and it needlessly changed the ending to accommodate the “To Famous To Just Be Playing the Nice Neighbor” Rule.  Second, I just didn’t see Matthew McConaughey as slick defense attorney Micky Haller.

But I have to say the movie made a believer out of me.  It reminded me of why Connelly is my favorite crime writer:  He has a talent for telling stories that feel like they matter.  And for whatever reason, McConaughey has decided to remember that he used to be considered an actual actor.  He’s quite fine in the role, and the complex story crackles with energy just as the book did.  Ryan Phillipe is also quite good as his rich boy client.  The movie is lean and unpretentious.  It also reminded me of the 1970s – but unlike Blood Work, it did so in a good way.

Remember to stay sharp as you drive around the hectic streets of Cleveland on a Saturday!
Remember to stay sharp as you drive around the hectic streets of Cleveland on a Saturday!

The second movie was the preposterous but irresistible Limitless, starring handsome naughty boy of the moment Bradley Cooper.  Cooper starts off the movie playing against type – a scruffy, unattractive loser.  Quite a stretch for someone as ridiculously attractive as Cooper.  But as the crazy plot unfolds he quickly gets a chance to have his appearance polished to a mirror-bright shine.  He does seem the perfect person to play a character who discovers a seemingly easy way to turn, overnight, into the perfect version of himself.  This is good casting, because I’m sure there are many moviegoers who look at Brad and consider him the “perfect” version of themselves.

What if a little clear pill could make you smart and accomplished overnight?  What would you do?

So . . what should we do first? The Segway tour? The historical walking tour? How about a drink at one of the local hotspots? Hey, is that Lady Gaga?
So . . what should we do first? The Segway tour? The historical walking tour? How about a drink at one of the local hotspots? Hey, is that Lady Gaga?

More importantly, what would you do when the bill eventually comes due, as it always does in stories like this.

I enjoyed the movie.  It was fun to see Robert De Niro also playing against type (a ruthless but well-mannered finance tycoon).

All in all, it was a good outing for my first Saturday on the road.

Movies I’ve Seen Matthew McConaughey or Brad Cooper in

The Lincoln Lawyer

Tropic Thunder

Sahara

The energy is infectious in the bustle of the Arcade.
The energy is infectious in the bustle of the Arcade.

Reign of Fire

Frailty

U-571

Amistad

Contact

A Time to Kill

Lone Star

Dazed and Confused

Limitless

The Hangover

He’s Just Not That Into You

You never know WHO you might run into at the Arcade's fun, frenetic and festive food court!
You never know WHO you might run into at the Arcade's fun, frenetic and festive food court!

Wet Hot American Summer

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Cleveland
March 17

St. Patrick’s Day of the Dead

St. Patrick’s Day, a big deal here in Catholic Cleveland.  Growing up in Texas, the only affect this holiday had on me is that everyone was supposed to wear something green or risk getting random pinches.  It wasn’t until I lived in New York in the 80s that I understood what St. Pat’s really was:  An excuse for hordes of drunk assholes to obnoxiously roam the streets all day. 

Yay being drunk at 10 a.m. is fun but don't criticize me I'm Irish sort of it's my heritage and my religion kind of are you going to finish that beer?
Yay being drunk at 10 a.m. is fun but don't criticize me I'm Irish sort of it's my heritage and my religion kind of are you going to finish that beer?

///

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.  A dear friend of mine, Ken, died this past New Year’s Eve.  He’d been suffering for four years.

The last time I saw him I should have known it would be the last time I would see him, which means I should have said all those Big Things you should say during such a visit.  I was a coward and in denial and so remained casual.  He died less than 48 hours later.  I felt, feel, like a real schmuck about that.  Ken should have heard me tell him I loved him and appreciated his friendship and all of those other things.

I may have a chance to do better with another friend.  Randy, the guy who owns and runs a website I’ve written for for eleven years, is in an exhausting fight with cancer.  He lives in Pittsburgh, which it turns out is just a couple of hours down the turnpike from Cleveland.  I called him yesterday and told him I want to come see him next weekend.  Hopefully he’ll let me.

See you soon!
See you soon!

If he does, I need to make sure and say the Big Things this time around.

///

I’ve never handled the idea of death well.  Never.  It’s not that I’m particularly afraid of what happens after we die.  It’s just that death seems like the ultimate gyp, the ultimate order of “get out of the pool” from the Cosmic Lifeguard.  I think life is interesting and fun, and I don’t see why we should have to give it up.

I wish I could have my father’s equanimity on the subject.  He always says, “I’m so lucky I had the opportunity to be a point of consciousness in the universe.”  I applaud his attitude but have yet to achieve his peace.

I’ve always thought I’ve been relatively sheltered by death.  I’ve never lost a sibling, or a parent.  I lost far fewer friends to HIV than many people I know.  Maybe I suck at death because I haven’t had enough practice. 

But when I began to take stock of all the dead people I knew, I was surprised at the size of the list:

Partial List of My Dead People
  • My father’s father’s mother
  • My father’s mother’s mother
  • My mother’s father’s mother
  • My mother’s mother’s mother[1]
  • My father’s father
  • My mother’s father
  • My mother’s mother
  • My cousin Julie (motorcycle accident)
  • My great uncle Raymond
  • My dad’s cousin Ray
  • Doug Web (AIDS)
  • Steve Sorrentino (AIDS)
  • Roxy (taught me how to raid in World of Warcraft)
  • Jean (soap opera writer)
  • Two neighbors from my building
  • Ken

 

Looks like I don’t really have an excuse.  I need to figure out how to be at peace with the idea of death.  Because, as John Irving’s Garp said, we are all terminal cases.

 

[1] Yes, I knew all four of my great-grandmothers.

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March 14, 2011

Cleveland

Scary Soy Spread!

One quick word about what you can inspect in this diary:  I plan on this being a self-indulgent stream of consciousness sort of thing.  So I will talk about what’s happening on my trip and anything and everything else that’s on my mind.  So I’ll talk about the books I’m reading.  The movies I’m seeing.  The games I’m playing.  The cities I’m visiting.  Current events.  Politics.  You name it.  I’ll try to keep it lively.  I really hope you’ll go on this journey with me.  And please make any and all comments!  I want to hear from you.

///

Okay so here’s my question for the TSA:  Why is something that’s considered unsafe to take with me on the airplane perfectly safe to stuff into my luggage?

As I made my way through the odious security checkpoint at LAX, they pulled a jar out of my backpack. 

I admit it. This isn't as sexy as the bodybuilder from yesterday. But trust me, I couldn't have lost the 80 pounds I've lost without this wonderful product.
I admit it. This isn't as sexy as the bodybuilder from yesterday. But trust me, I couldn't have lost the 80 pounds I've lost without this wonderful product.

“You can’t take this on the plane with you.”

What was the scary, offending item?  A jar of Carb Not Beanit Butter, which despite its atrocious name, is a product that has been a mainstay of my low carb regimen.  It is a soybean switch-out for peanut butter that is so high in fiber that its net carbs is zero.  And it also takes pretty darned good.  I devour it at a rate of about a jar a week.

The jar being held in the imperious hand of the TSA drone was the only one I had with me.  I have to special order this product and it would take days to get a replacement.  “I really need that.”

“You cannot take this on the plane.”

I took a breath, feeling myself instinctively switching into Annoyed Customer Mode: 

“Why not.”

“It’s a paste.”

“Yeah.  It’s like peanut butter.  Scary stuff.”

“You can’t take more than three ounces of any paste on the plane.”

Really?

“I need this.”

“Well, run  back to the gate and see if it’s not too late to stuff it in your checked baggage.”

Which, believe it or not, is exactly what I did.  It was too late to catch my luggage, but a somewhat exasperated yet still helpful manager type at the check-in counter wrapped the damn thing up in a bag and taped it inside a box.  I was half expecting him to charge me for a third checked bag, but he didn’t.  Score one for We Don’t Care, We Don’t Have to Airlines.

tsa-2Of course I assumed I’d never see my beloved jar of soy nut butter again.  But to my delighted surprise it was waiting for me at the luggage carrel, even ahead of my bags.

As my soybean-butter-inspired relief washed through me like a Double Gulp Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, I was struck by the question above.  If three ounces of a foodstuff that happens to be filed under the category “paste” is verboten in the passenger section plane, why would they agree to take it anywhere on the plane?  If it’s suspicious in the one place, why isn’t it suspicious in the other? 

I realize there’s a legitimate distinction between, say, a sharp object like a box cutter or a machete that might be considered peachy keen packed away in a check bag but highly hazardous on the plane itself, but a paste?  How would I commandeer the cockpit of the plane with peanut butter?  “Stop!  Or I’ll spread‼” 

It follows that the reason they didn’t want it on the plane was that somewhere there exists some type of explosive that, presumably, looks a lot like peanut butter.  As giggly as this sounds to a like me, who’s mind is blissfully unpolluted by any real knowledge of terrorism, if this is true then I don’t want something so suspect anywhere on the plane.  Right?

The conclusion I reached was that this was just another indication of the meaninglessness of the “enhanced” security measures that we allow ourselves to be tortured with in this post-911 world.  Yeah, it’s just bureaucratic security fussiness.  They forbid peanut butter not because it could hide real threats but because they can and if I don’t like it I can just shut my hole.  The TSA doesn’t make our travel safer, but it DOES manage to create some more job opportunities for government contractors who get paid to inconvenience us.  Our tax dollars at work.  Whoop.

///

Very good news today.  The client confirmed my travel to Brussels, Munich and Moscow.  Moscow, holy shit!

The only challenge will be the fact that I have to front the money for all of the flights, yikes.  This will take some careful planning.

///

Lifted weights after work.  Well, I lifted weights a little bit.  It’s been a year since I’ve done that so I took it easy.  It felt good to start.

Separate Bags Taken on Trip

  1. Large suitcase (checked)
  2. Large garment bag (checked)
  3. C-PAP bag
  4. Laptop case
  5. Very full backpack

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 201 user reviews.

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“He can have it, ” exiting despot Muammar Gaddafi said to reporters.

In what seemed to be a serendipitous win/win situation, the two men are reportedly actually switching residences.

Average Rating: 4.9 out of 5 based on 217 user reviews.

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The Year’s Best Movies.   In Order.

  1. Winter’s Bone.  An amazing Ozark family gothic thriller, this beautiful movie really got under my skin.
  2. The Social Network.  Together, director David Fincher and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin hit the ball out of the park with this dizzyingly smart and watchable movie. 
  3. True Grit.  Once again Joel and Ethan Coen astound with their filmmaking skills.
  4. Inception.  A flawed masterpiece which gets high marks 1) for sheer chutzpah, 2) for challenging the viewers with something more complex than an episode of Blue’s Clues, 3) for having visual effects that, while spectacular, always served the plot, and finally 4) FOR NOT BEING IN 3D.
  5. How To Train Your Dragon.  An amazingy satisfying movie, written with intelligence, wit and warmth, featuring splendid voice acting and spectacular visuals that really do need to be seen in 3D.
  6. Toy Story 3.  Yeah, big surprise, huh?
  7. The King’s Speech.  Yeah, what everyone else has already said.  It’s really good, except for Guy Pearce.
  8. 127 Hours.  Ewwww.  Look away at the most difficult parts if you must, but this energetic and intriguing film should not be missed.
  9. Never Let Me Go.  Scary and sad film about a group of young people with a horrifying destiny.
  10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1.  Absolutely beautifully made warm-up to the end of the Harry Potter saga.  A triumph of pure commercial filmmaking.

 Honorable Mention: The Ghost Writer, Let Me In, The Last Exorcism, Exit Through the Gift Shop, Despicable Me, The Town

Maybe Not Great, but highly recommended

Hot Tub Time Machine, Just Wright, Agora, Cairo Time, Step Up 3D, Who is Harry Nilsson and Why is Everybody Talkin’ About Him?, Catfish, City Island, Devil, Life As We Know It, Unstoppable, The Losers

Regarding The Fighter

I loathe boxing.  I am uninterested in stories about scrappy underdog fighters.  And I’d rather jam poison-dipped upholstery tacks into my gums than sit through another too-much-acting-per-square-inch performance by Christian Bale.  The Fighter may be the greatest film ever made.  I’ll never know. 

Asterisk indicates the winner.  Thank you for playing.

 

Best Actor

Robert Duvall, Get Low

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

James Franco, 127 Hours

*Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

Jeff Bridges, True Grit

Honorable Mention: Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine Andy Garcia in City Island, Alexander Siddig in Cairo Time

 

Best Actress

Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone

Tilda Swinton, I Am Love

Noomi Rapace, The Girl Who Got the International Book And Movie Franchise

*Annette Bening in Mother and Child

Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Honorable Mention:  Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine

 

Best Supporting Actor

John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

*Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

Josh Brolin, True Grit

Barry Pepper, True Grit

Honorable Mention:  Justin Timberlake, Andrew Garfield and Armie Hammer in The Social Network, Henry Thomas (yeah, from E.T.) in Dear John, Joel Edgerton in The Square and Animal Kingdom, Lucas Black in Get Low

 

Best Supporting Actress

Dale Dickey, Winter’s Bone

Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

Chloe Moretz, Let Me In

*Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech

 

Best Director

Debra Granik, Winter’s Bone

Joel and Ethan Coen, True Grit

Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech

*David Fincher, The Social Network

Christopher Nolan, Inception

 

Art Direction

*Winter’s Bone

True Grit

Inception

Tron Legacy

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

 

Casting

Winter’s Bone

 

Cinematography

Winter’s Bone

*Inception

True Grit

Tron: Legacy

The Social Network

 

Original Screenplay

Inception (Christopher Nolan)

*The King’s Speech (David Seidler)

Despicable Me (Ken Daurio and Cinco Paul)

 

Adapted Screenplay

Winter’s Bone (Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini)

Never Let Me Go (Alex Garland)

True Grit (Joel and Ethan Coen)

How To Train Your Dragon (William Davies, Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders)

*The Social Network (Aaron Sorkin)

 

Costumes

Special Mention to Rob Cron for getting his first on-screen credit in Tron: Legacy!

 

Visual Effects

*Inception

The Social Network

Tron: Legacy

 

Incredible Year for Documentaries

Waking Sleeping Beauty.  The excellent string of documentaries about Disney continues.  Remember when Disney feature animation hit its nadir in the 1980s with The Black Cauldron.  This sprightly film is about how the Mouse House made it from there to the glories of The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast.

Casino Jack and the United States of Money.  Our government:  for sale!

Joan Rivers:  A Piece of Work.  Indeed. 

8:  The Mormon Proposition.  The movie that clearly shows the Mormon Church’s vast violations of its tax-exempt status by sponsoring and supporting the notorious California Proposition 8.

Stonewall Uprising.  Hear about the beginning of the revolution from people who where there.

The Tillman Story.  The story of the iconclastic and heroic Pat Tillman and the shameful military and governmental coverup regarding the circumstances of his death in Afghanistan.

*Freakanomics.  Delightful film adaptation of the fascinating best-selling book.

 

Foreign Language

Micmacs (France)

Patrik, Age 1.5 (Sweden)

*Rare Exports.  You’ve got to rent this insane Christmas horror film from Finland.  No, seriously, you really have to rent it.

 

A Very Good Year for Jay Baruchel

The talented young star of How To Train Your Dragon, She’s Out of My League, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Good Neighbors (Canadian) and The Trotsky.  Mr. Baruchel is a major talent and I expect big things from him. 

It’s Facebook’s World; We Just Live In It

2010 saw not one but two really good movies that centered on the ubiquitous social network:  Catfish and, well, The Social Network.

What Kind of Movies Are These?

Both Catfish and Exit Through the Gift Shop blurred the lines between where a documentary ends and cinematic scam begins.  If you just remember Ray’s mantra (All movies are fiction!) you can sit back and relax these two crazy stories.  Who cares whether they’re true or not?

Best Lines

Owen: But how old are you, really?   Abby: Twelve. But… I’ve been twelve for a very long time.  (A deliciously creepy and telling moment from Let Me In.)

“I’m six-five, 220, and there’s two of me.” – Twin talk from The Social Network.

Funniest Moments

Craig Robinson gets to work in the title of the movie (and then steal a glance at the camera) in Hot Tub Time Machine

Dwayne Johnson and and Samuel L. Jackson cluelessly jump off a tall building in The Other Guys.

The mounted wall décor inside the evil mansion in Despicable Me.

Best Movie About an Ancient Female Astronomer

Agora

Please Let  Us See More Of . . .

Craig Robinson.  I can’t watch The Office, so I need him to make more movies.

Chloe Moretz.  After terrific performances in (500) Days of Summer and Let Me In, I am eager to see more work from this talented young lady.

City Island’s Steven Strait.  I’m only human.

Yaniv Schulman, the subject (or star?) of the fascinating hybrid film Catfish.

Jenny O’Hara.  This veteran character woman has got it goin’ on, and she made the surprisingly good Devil even better.

Make fun of me all you want, I say he has genuine star quality:

Channing Tatum.  He proved in Dear John that he’s got actual movie star charisma.  He’s not just another Abercrombie model who got lucky.

Surprisingly Good!

Hot Tub Time Machine.  Believe it or not.  It’s a real hoot, and Craig Robinson is hilarious.

Ridiculously Attractive Movie Couples

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel in Life As We Know It

Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal in Love and Other Drugs

Best Compliance With the “Ray and Tayler Rule”

Alex O’Loughlin, a handsome actor never known for having much of a physique, got into RIDICULOUSLY good shape for his lead role opposite Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan.  Well done.

Common, who buffed up admirably for his turn as a professional basketball player in Just Wright.

Jake Gyllenhaal, who paid careful attention to the Ray and Tayler Rule for both Prince of Persia and Love and Other Drugs

Eggregious Violations of the “Ray and Tayler Rule”

Did Christopher Egan not read the script of Letters to Juliet when he got the job?  And, you know, notice the scene in Act III in which he went swimming?  What was he thinking?

Puzzling Casting

Why was Guy Pearce, who is seven years Colin Firth’s junior, get cast as his older brother in The King’s Speech?  He also wasn’t very good.

Best in a Historically Weak Field

I’m not saying Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was a great movie, but it was the best movie I’ve ever seen based on a video game franchise.  At the very least, it was a step in the right direction.

I Haven’t Given Up on Zac Efron . . . 

 . . despite the sappiness of Charlie St. Cloud.  And bonus points to Zac for his faithful compliance with the Ray and Tayler Rule.

Excellent Title

Hot Tub Time Machine

My Very Favorite Rapist Film Director Ever

The Ghost Writer’s Roman Polanski

The Girl Who Got the International Book and Movie Franchise

I can’t get that excited about the books or the movies.  But they’re okay if you like that sort of thing.

Better Than I Expected!

Devil

The Last Exorcism

Life As We Know It

It Had to Happen Some Time

An good American remake of a well-received European film.  Really?  Yep, that’s just what Let Me In is.  Check it out.

Strange, but I Liked it Anyway

Easier With Practice.  This movie had a terrible title, but it’s a surprisingly sweet exploration of the unorthodox relationship that grows between two people who only know each other through the telephone.  Brian Geraghty, who was so good in The Hurt Locker, stars.

Face It, I Like the Minimalist Horror Films

Both The Last Exorcism and Paranormal Activity 2 did a terrific job of scaring audiences without special effects or much of a budget.  Well done.

Thought I Would HATE It

But The Losers was really fun!

She Never Lets Me Down

I don’t think I’ve ever sat through a Queen Latifah vehicle that I didn’t really enjoy.  This year’s Just Wright was no exception.  It was fun to root for her to win the heart of the studly basketball player (Common) who was her physical therapy patient. 

Like Dance Movies?

Then don’t miss the highly kinetic and sexy Step Up 3D.

Sweet RomComs

Letters to Juliet.  Corny, predictable, and utterly charming fantasy about purloined love letters, with the added bonus of featuring a screen reuniting of real-life lovers Vanessa Redgrave and Franco Nero.

Life As We Know It.  Also predictable but oddly irresistable bit of fluff about growing up against your will.

They Got the Wrong Annette Bening Performance!

Instead of her excellent work in the sappy and stupidly overrated The Kids Are All Right, the supremely talented Bening should have been lauded for her stunning work in Mother and Child, which no one saw but me.

They Got The Wrong Aussie Noir!

Mountains of praise got heaped on the mediocre “The Animal Kingdom.”  The scrappy little crime thriller from Down Under that everyone SHOULD have seen was The Square, a nasty and fascinating story of greed and murder.

Well-Meaning But Zzzzzzz

The Green Zone

Disappointments

The Illusionist.  The tedious new film from the creator of the breathtakingly good The Triplets of Belleville.

Life During Wartime.  Todd Solondz’s follow-up to his amazing film Happiness was, to be kind, lackluster.

Most Overrated

A Prophet.  This French crime film got reviews like it was the second coming of Pee Wee Herman.  It thought it was just barely okay.

The Kids Are All Right.  Dull and unconvincing.

Please Give.  Dull and whiny.

Black Swan.  Followed closely by Darren Aronofsky.  This movie was overrought, pretentious and boring.

Animal Kingdom.  The reviewers were wrong.

Restropo.  Overrated writer Sebastian Junger reaped huge praise for holding a camera while visiting deployed soldiers in Afghanistan.  And then complaining in interviews about having to go without sex or the internet while he was there.  Oh, how you suffer for your art, Sebastian.

My Dog Tulip.  Great reviews.  Dull as dishwater.

Conviction.  Very pedestrian treatment of a true-life legal battle.

I Just Don’t Get It

Shutter Island.  Martin Scorcese continues to be the most overrated director in American film.

The Year’s Worst Movies

*The Last Airbender.  I never thought I’d walk out of an M. Night Shyamalan film.  But now it’s happened.

Alice in Wonderland.  Tim Burton reaches a new low in excess and bad storytelling in this quasi-3D piece of crap.

Hereafter.  Shallow treatment of a potentially profound subject.  Clint Eastwood was off his game on this one.

 

In Memoriam

 

Barbara Billingsley

Leslie Nielsen

Peter Graves

Steve Landesberg

Blake Edwards

Jill Clayburgh

Dino De Laurentiis

Tony Curtis

Rue McClanahan

Dennis Hopper

Gary Coleman

Dixie Carter

John Forsyth

Corey Haim

 

Please post your comments!   Now get out there and go to the movies!!!

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 179 user reviews.

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